The Parents Page

Our Son Is Off To College

by Barry Simmons

Due to the many inquiry's we've been receiving regarding the college experience, we've started a monthly newsletter following the trials and tribulations of our family's first experience with sending our oldest child Sam off to college. For those of you who will be doing that soon, it may be helpful, or it may scare you to death. Or it may do both.

Where we begin: It's early August and Sam will be heading off to college at the end of the month. This is where our story begins. Follow us along month by month as we perform the ultimate sacrifice as parents, letting go of our children.

Early August 2003 - The Dorm Buying Spree

My wife spent every waking hour in Bed Bath and Beyond (A chain store that sells home products). She had those 20% off coupons that kept coming in the mail. We thought it was because we were such good customers, but when we got to the store every person had ten of those same coupons in their hands. The staff called themselves the College Bound Experts, although most of the sales staff was under twenty-five, so we weren't too sure what they were experts in. Now I'm not sure what type of shoppers you are when shopping with your spouse, but in our family, my wife is in charge of what she thinks is important, and I'm in charge of the really important things (she doesn't know I'm writing this...shhh...). Okay, so my wife put me in charge of electronics. Don't laugh.

So while she was busy buying unimportant items, such as bed covers, sheets, pillows, towels, and bathroom supplies, I spent two hours deciding which surge protector to buy Sam. You never know if there's going to be a major lightening storm at the school. Although this seemed unimportant to her at first, after I pointed out the multiple ports that this electronic wizard had, she was so taken back, she just stood there silently, too moved to speak. I could tell she was in awe. And everything seemed to be going fine, when I made 'the' mistake - the 'mother' of all mistakes. Something a man just can't do. I commented on something my wife bought Sam - A 16-piece set of everyday silverware for his dorm room. I tried to explain to her that it's just not cool for an 18-year old guy to have silverware in his dorm room. He's not going to wash it. He doesn't know how to use Brillo. And it's just not right for a first year freshman to wash silverware. My wife peered deeply into my eyes - like a Tiger ready to attack its prey. The silence was deafening. I should have realized. I had her at surge protector.

The next stop in our crusade to fill his dorm with more items than we have at home was The Container Store (A store that sells all types of containers). More college bound experts (Why is everybody an expert?). It's true that this store has a lot of very important items, but did we need every one? They sell these plastic units on wheels that have stackable drawers. The kind you find in Walmart or Kmart. So we bought him a narrow one to hold his school supplies and CD(s), then a wide one to store his sweaters, shirts and extra bed sheets. But we stayed away from the custom made hangers. My wife thought they were essential, but at five dollars a dozen, I decided to round up about 100 old wire hangers we had in our closets. And she thinks all I'm good for is electronics.

Let's continue. We bought him a small wooden dryer, large plastic units to slide under his bed, and hooks to place over his door. And let's not forget the lint roller. My wife bought him a lint roller. A lint roller! Okay, so it's Saturday night, and he invites his first group of friends into his dorm room. But before they come in, he runs into the closet, pulls out the lint roller, and touches up his sweater. I don't think so. But I didn't make the same mistake I did with the silverware. I said, "Wow!" And then said, "Wow!" again. After being married for 19 years, I think I've finally gotten the hang of it.

Next stop on our travels through insanity - Staples (A chain store that sells stationery supplies). It's amazing how some parents think they must buy their child everything, right down to the stationary supplies. Can you imagine, not treating them as the adults they've become? But that's exactly what I did. I bought Sam so many stationary supplies, he opened up a side business in his dorm selling pens and pencils. I bought him not one, but three types of Wite Out. You know, the type that brushes on with that weird applicator, the new advanced one that look's like a pen, and the old fashioned one that always gets clogged up. Also, everything is sold in dozens. I got him a dozen erasers, a dozen pens, a dozen boxes of paper clips, and even a dozen rolls of scotch tape. A dozen rolls! Remember when a dozen rolls were what you got at the bakery on Sunday morning.

Let's continue on this credit card nightmare. The Saturday before we took Sam to his college, my wife decided he needed an area carpet for the dorm. A what? An area carpet? I don't have an area carpet in my bedroom, but she told me his feet would get cold when he got up in the morning. I told her to by him some warm socks. Actually I didn't. (Remember the silverware). Let's continue. I needed to find an area rug. And I needed to impress my wife. So I went off to a place where I knew they sold fine broadloom. I went to Home Depot. And I walked over to their fine carpet section. All carpets here, $19.99. That sounded 'fine' to me. But I had to call my wife and explain to her in great detail what the carpet looked like. "Hi. I'm standing by their fine Berber line and I'm viewing their large assortment", I said, looking randomly around the store. "And over here", I said while looking at some gray stained carpets, "I see their upscale wool line." But I could tell by the tone of her voice that she didn't trust my taste, so I walked through the store and searched out some more surge protectors.

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Late August 2003 - Last minute preparations

During the last two weeks of August, my usually stoic wife, the rock of our family, suddenly realized that the little boy who18 years before arrived on a warm July day, was leaving the nest. The only home he has known. And for the next two weeks, she cried at the oddest moments.

One Saturday morning, while shopping in the supermarket and doing our usual 'squeezing of the fruit', tears rolled down her eyes and she started to sob. At first I thought she had squirted grape juice in her eyes. You know how when you get to the red and green grapes, a major decision ensues as to which grapes to squeeze. So you begin squeezing them all.

There she was crying. And I became emotional as well. If my wife was crying, the rock of our family, it must really be sad. So I started to cry as well. A woman standing by us came over to ask if everything was okay. When we told her our story, I guess it really hit home because two years before her oldest daughter went off to college.

She told us how wonderful she was doing, then took a deep breath, and began to cry as well. The manager of the produce section came running over and asked all of us if there was something wrong with the fruit. It certainly was an odd moment.

August 26th. The night before D-day. My wife had been washing Sam's clothes for two days. I wasn't sure why, because I knew once he got up there, laundry would not be a major concern of his. One of the most critical things you must do before sending your child off to school is to give them laundry lessons. Without sounding like a chauvinist, it's probably more important if you have a son.

The only time Sam ever went near the washing machine was when I needed him to lift it, so I could place a piece of wood under it to stabilize it. So my wife walked him through the process of filling the machine with water, putting in the soap, then placing the clothes evenly around the drum so the machine wouldn't jam when it started to agitate.

In great detail, she reviewed the laws of separating whites from darks, and removing any clothes that were silk - like he has silk clothes - and one's whose labels read dry clean only. It was a well laid out lesson plan, with nothing left to the imagination.

When she looked up, Sam had run upstairs to watch the Yankee game, but I had learned a lot about how to wash our clothes - so much for the laundry lesson.

The talk. The night before we left, it was finally time to sit down and speak with Sam. Over the past 18 years, it was my wife's job to handle some of the smaller chores involved in raising Sam. She was the caregiver. Many nights she sat with him when he had a fever. She planned and cooked the meals. She signed him up for soccer, basketball, baseball, and tennis. She was a class mother, worked for three PTA's, ran functions in the schools, and bought his clothes.

I bought the Yankee tickets for us and was his little league coach. I think that's pretty even (No comments please).

This was my shining moment, the night that every father waits for. The talk the night before your oldest child goes off to college.

"Son", I said, brimming with years of wisdom. "It's time the two of us had that talk."

"Dad", he said, "You must be kidding," and walked out of the room, shaking his head all the way.

Last minute items. Another important thing you should do before sending your child up to school is open up a joint checking account with a parent or guardian as a cosigner with an ATM card. Most 18 year olds have never used a checking account, and being away from home, access to cash from an ATM can be a lifesaver. It will also teach your young student the responsibilities of using a checking account.

Some universities have ATM's right on campus. Here's some good advice. Find out which banks own those machines and set up the account with one of those banks. Most students will not be writing out checks, but they will use the ATM cards quite a bit. Using ATM's not owned by the bank you have the account with will give you extra ATM fees. Many times, the bank that issues the card will charge a fee, and the bank that owns the machine will charge a fee as well. Every time a withdrawal is made, the fees can add up to $4.00 or more.

Many banks offer student checking accounts as well, and will give you free checking for the first year. Shop around and find the best deal.

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Late August 2003 - D-Day - The Drive Up to College

D-Day.

Our son is leaving.

After all we've done for him.

All those sleepless nights my wife had when he had his ear infections.

All those Saturday trips to Toys R Us buying him every toy ever invented.

All those birthday parties in our backyard

The ten years I coached little league.

All the class trips my wife went on.

The night I stayed up until a quarter to five in the morning working on his cardboard suspension bridge.

And all those October evenings Sam and I spent in the upper deck at Yankee Stadium.

And this is how he repays us.

By running away from home and going to college.

I think there is a part in all of us that feels like that. This was the first time that our family unit had been separated and the dynamics of the family do change. But I'll talk about that in another chapter.

Back to the drive.

One of the advantages of owning a mini-van is it's pretty much like owning a U-Haul if you're able to either remove the seats or have one where the seats fold down flat. We have a Dodge Caravan, so we removed the middle and back seats and had plenty of room to fit all of Sam's items.

The plan was that I would ride there with Sam in the van, and my wife would follow in our other car with our daughter.

It was the typical morning we always have when going on a trip. I was running around packing the car, my wife was dealing with our daughter's clothes decisions (don't ask), and Sam was adding the 1200th song to his IPOD. (For those of you who don't know what an IPOD is, it's a small white Walkman looking unit with a built in hard drive in which you can record thousands of songs). I didn't want to disturb his loading of Led Zeppelin (Sam actually listens to some of the same music that I do), so I packed the car myself.

Then the moment came - when Sam would be leaving the nest. I was fully prepared to console him. My wife and I were ready to use all of our parental training to ease his departure from the safety of our home to the unknown road he would soon travel. Standing in front our of home I thought about all those times I had prepared him for his next step in life. I looked up, Sam came down the steps, IPOD in hand, turned, and then said, "Can we go already?"

Oh well.

Sam's school is about four hours from our house. So we decided to drive up the day before because he had to begin checking in at about 8:30 in the morning. Now naturally if the college your child is going to is close by there's no need to make overnight reservations, but if your child is going to a school that is quite a distance from your home like Sam's is, it's important that you make reservations as far in advance as possible. In fact, as soon as your child has chosen and accepted a school, find out either from their web site or by calling the school any dates in which you'll be traveling to the school.

The three major dates for most schools are arrival date, family weekend and graduation. I was shocked when trying to make reservations for family weekend that most of the motels and bed and breakfasts within driving distance of the college were booked for four years. And many of them had waiting lists of 50 to 100 families. When I called, many of them said to me, "Your child must be a freshman," because I had waited so long to call.

What some families do when they find a motel or bed and breakfast that they like is to make reservations for all the critical dates for the next four years. Of course, that's assuming the dates are available from the college. The point is, don't delay.

And while we're on the subject of driving, this may be a good opportunity to broach the subject that is a real sticking point with many incoming freshman. Should your child have a car at the college during freshman year? Some universities, in fact one of the state schools that Sam was accepted to, don't allow freshman to keep a car at the school. So if you're in that situation it's a moot point. Some students I've spoken to who are attending large universities actually drive to their classes. And some universities offer shuttle buses between classes.

The school Sam attends is in an area where the winters are brutally cold. We were told that during most mornings in the dead of winter, many students have to start their cars or else run the risk of having their tanks freeze, making starting difficult. Some students actually bring their cars home during the Thanksgiving break for this reason.

But putting aside these or any other issues, if you're able to afford a car for your child, which these days has become quite difficult, use common sense. You know your child. Don't feel pressured into getting them a car if you feel the responsibilities involved with having a car coupled with first year scholastic pressures are something you think they're not ready for. In other words, err on the side of caution.

Back to our trip.

Sam's school is in the middle of cornfields in upstate New York. While driving on one of the local roads, we had to make one stop at a cow crossing, and then got stuck behind a tractor for thirty minutes. You could tell Sam was thrilled with these surroundings because he was absolutely speechless. In fact, at one point, he was so taken back he said, "I can't believe this is where my school is." The best way I can describe his reaction was a look of disbelief came over him.

We stayed in the most famous hotel in the town, with a history that goes back over two hundred years. Of course, there are only two hotels in the town - one famous, and one pretty famous. Breakfast was eventful. It took two hours for us to get served. I guess that expression 'he can holler till the cows come home' is true because I did holler and it didn't make much of a difference. I suddenly realized we're not in Kansas anymore.

Just a two-minute drive from the hotel brought us to the college. There we were directed to a large field that had the capacity to fit all of the incoming freshman's family vehicles. There, upper classmen awaited us. We unloaded our vehicles and placed Sam's duffle bags, lamps, carpets, etc. on the grass. As soon as we made sure all the items were properly tagged with the dorm room number, the upper classmen hoisted them onto trucks and delivered all the items to the assigned dorms. From there they carried the items right up to the room. It went surprisingly well.

Then the moment arrived. My wife, son, daughter and myself took an elevator up to the third floor to his dorm room. Now you have to understand I have never experienced dorm life. My wife and I both went to city colleges and lived at home. So this was all very exciting to us.

So when we walked into the dorm......

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Late August - The Dorm Room

Growing up in New York City in the early to mid sixties, my friends and I used to do something called ranking each other out. Examples of these were, "I'll rank you so low, you'll have to look up to look down." And the most popular one in Brooklyn, " I'll rank you so low you'll be playing handball on the curb." How's this one. "I'll rank you so low your child will be sleeping in a room the size of a shoe box and call it a college dorm."

Define claustrophobia; walking into a college dorm room for the first time.

Let's look at this in a different light. Remember John Glen's flight in the Mercury capsule around the earth? That was a hotel palace compared to Sam's dorm room.

But to really put things into perspective, Sam also has a roommate.

We all arrived at the same time - Sam and his roommate, my wife and myself, my daughter and both of his roommate's parents. We were all only able to stand inside the room for a few minutes because we kept banging into each other each time we turned around. Then as we brought in all their belongings, it was like that scene in a Marx Brothers movie when all of those people are filing into a small room on a ship. Even Harpo would have had trouble maneuvering in this microscopic space.

The room is 10' X 14'. As you walk in, the left side of the room is identical to the right side, with the furniture being reversed. Each student has an 80" captain's bed. Below each bed are four pull out draws to store linens, comforters and pillows. On one side of the bed is a storage closet, with shelves on one side, and a closet pole and shelves on the other.

Against the other side of the bed is a desk. It's 48" long, 24" deep and has a small shelving unit towards the back to hold books, papers, CD's, etc.

At the end of the room, on the center of the wall is the window. The saving grace is that the window has a large sill, large enough to hold a 13" television, which is exactly what the two boys placed there.

And now it was time to bring in all of the items that my wife and I had purchased for Sam with great attention to detail. We had researched each item, each one having a distinct purpose. This was his first experience living away from home and there was much thought that went into all of our decisions. So here we go.

The refrigerator. The refrigerator was bigger than his room. The only place to put it was in front of the window, but that would block the television and they wouldn't be able to either open or look out the window. So we decided that had to come back with us. We placed it in the hall.

Two types of rolling shelves. No room. He would have to use the shelves in the closet. We placed them in the hall.

The wooden dryer. Forget it. No room. When we opened it, the boys couldn't walk around the room. We placed it in the hall.

Two under the bed draws. Didn't need them. He had captain's draws under the bed. We placed them in the hall.

A canvas-hanging shelf. No room in the closet. We placed it in the hall.

Yaffa blocks. No room. We placed them in the hall.

Giant bed pillow. Not cool. Sam said take it back. He placed it in the hall.

Bed elevator lifts. Didn't need them. We placed them in the hall.

5' X 8" carpet. The room was already carpeted. We dragged it into the hall.

Four parents and a sister in the way. The boys placed us in the hall.

The list does go on.

What's the lesson here? If it's at all possible, see the dorm room in person before purchasing any items. Also, make sure you keep all of your receipts and try to purchase items where you don't get hassled returning them.

We purchased most of our items at three stores - Bed Bath and Beyond, Staples, and the Container Store. Each one of them was pretty geared up to handle college bound students items and gave us absolutely no hassles when returning the items.

What are the key items your child will need? - A computer and a computer printer.

The PC has become the lifeblood of the college student. Regardless of how many PC(s) the college has, there is nothing more critical than providing a PC for your child. It's also important that you bundle the PC with essential office tools that your child will be using over the four years in college.

When I purchased his PC, I had it loaded with Excel, Word, and Powerpoint. These are basic software tools that your child will definitely use at some point over the four years. I would suggest a processing speed of at least 2.66 MHz and a hard drive of at least 80 GB. You may think 80 GB is an enormous amount of space, but the kids today like downloading movies, they do that in college you know, and the graphics do take up an enormous amount of space. (Sam told me to tell you that).

It's also a very good idea to purchase an LCD flat panel screen. The students are very tight on space and although I'm not thrilled with the resolution of the flat screens when compared with the traditional monitors, the additional space is well worth the tradeoff. And of course a laptop is becoming the computer of choice for many students because of its portability.

Regarding Sam's roommate and his parents, we all introduced ourselves and it was obvious from the very beginning that the two were a good match. The college had sent home a questionnaire months before asking each student to describe in detail their own living habits. What type of music do you like? How late do you like to sleep? Would you prefer a non-smoking dorm? Some dorms are rated as nonsmoking, some as substance free dorms. I'm not sure what substance free means. I can't imagine some dorms being rated as substance dorms. Make your own conclusions. Do you enjoy sports? Do you prefer a single room, a double, a triple or a quad?

The school then does it's best to match students.

Sam was lucky.

And so was his roommate.

So the parents and the sister took the subtle hints from the students, "Mom and Dad, you can leave now," and decided to take advantage of a presentation one of the school administrators was giving in the main auditorium for the parents. As it turned out, it was just what we needed. The discussion revolved around telling us what a wonderful job we had done raising our children and bringing them to this point in their life.

We all went to the school cafeteria after that and realized that education is everything and food was not that important.

Then it was time to leave. We all went back to the dorm. The boys had an orientation to attend. My wife said her good-byes. Our daughter jumped into Sam's arms and hugged her brother like she always does. Then I hugged Sam. He turned to walk towards the auditorium. And I sat down on a large rock and cried.

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September 2003 - Settling In - His First Month at College

The first three calls we received from Sam regarded problems he had doing his laundry. We seem to forget, although they've been doing schoolwork since the first grade, doing laundry is a new experience for most of them. My wife got on the phone and gave Sam an emergency refresher course as he stood in the dorm's laundry room, cell phone in one hand, detergent and clothes in the other.

It brought back memories of my own when I had first moved out of my parents' house and rented an apartment in Queens, New York. I had washed my whites with a red sweatshirt and all of my white T-shirts came out pink. In a panic, I called my mother who told me "always have the savior at hand" - the king at resolving laundry discoloration's, BLEACH. So I went to the local store and bought three gallons of bleach. And each time I did my laundry I overdosed on bleach just to play it safe. Within three months, my clothes had literally disintegrated.

So I interrupted the call between my wife and son and told my wife to be wary of telling him to use Bleach. After all, my experience with Bleach had been a disaster. But she kept waving me off with an annoyed look on her face. I stepped into the next room and paced the floor. But as the minutes went by and their conversation continued, all the clothes we had purchased for Sam were on their way to mortal Hell.

Finally, I heard the phone receiver being placed back into its cradle. I rushed into the room and proclaimed with a vengeance, "I've used Bleach and it's an evil product. It destroyed all of my clothes." To which my wife replied, "I just told him to use cold water."

One of the amazing things that happen when your child ventures out into the world is the subtle changes that occur when they are left to make their own decisions. Sam is a relatively quiet person. So when my wife and I found out he had not only joined the school's radio station, but was now a DJ and had his own one hour spot where he hosts his own Jazz show, we were floored.

Not known for his gift of gab, he does his one-hour spot each week, even though he says he doubts anyone is listening at 11:00 in the morning. What does this do for him? It gives him a crash course in the workings of a radio station and allows him to have his own voice. It's important that he realizes that he has a voice that matters. What better venue can an eighteen year old have then playing the music he loves, and making decisions on the tone and the direction of the show.

With all this in mind, my wife and I spoke to Sam after his first radio show and were excited to hear how Sam had grown. We were looking forward to him talking about all the intricacies of a radio station and how he reacted to becoming a celebrity on campus. So we formulated some questions. "As soon as the show was over, how many students called? Did they like your selection of music? What changes will you make in the next show?"

And Sam said. "Dad, how'd the Yankees do today?"

One of the nice things Sam's college offers all students is a debit card that can be used throughout the campus, and even in the surrounding town. We initially funded the card using the money Sam had made working at a summer camp. When he was paid at the end of the summer, I deposited his check into my own checking account, and then transferred it to the debit card the day school started.

This accomplished many goals. It help provide funds for all his books for the year, funds for the washer and dryer in his in-dorm laundry room, and spending money for many stores in the local town. He simply swipes the card at most of these facilities. The college has done a very nice job in providing that this debit card can be used at nearly every venue that the students need and want to spend money.

The dynamics of the house change when the first child goes off to college. And it was especially tough on me because it used to be my son and myself, my wife and my daughter - two males, two females. Sam would act as a buffer against our daughter who has now reached her teen years. But without our son around, I've discovered certain things about myself through the astute wisdom of a fourteen-year-old girl.

I have no idea how to dress myself. I wear ugly clothes and I have the world's ugliest body. My head is too large. When I wear shorts, I look like Humpty Dumpty. I snore too loud. I eat with my mouth open and chew very loudly. I have hair growing out of my nose and ears. I've been wearing the same brand of sneakers for ten years. And why do I refuse to buy a third pair of jeans?

And my wife, my daughter told me she's perfect.

Oh God, when's our son coming home...

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October 2003 - Family Weekend - His Second Month at College

Not that I'm spying, but one of the benefits that Sam's college provides is allowing on-line access to the student's college debit card. This way parents can make sure the debit card is properly funded and the student has the funds necessary for books, laundry and other essentials. You can add to the debit card using a credit card, and also transfer funds from the student's tuition account in case there happens to be a surplus.

Sam's account is typical of most students - Eleven A.M.- vending machine - $1.25; Two P.M. - vending machine - $1.25; Five P.M. - vending machine - $1.25. My first thought, how does Sam have time to go to class? And more importantly, is he eating Snickers Bars or Milky Ways? Oh yes, there were a couple of trips to the laundry room and the bookstore thrown in.

Now that he's settled at college, it might be a good time to talk about the advantages and disadvantages of dorm room arrangements. Ending up with the right roommate or roommates can help make your child's transition to university life an enjoyable and rewarding experience. And by the 'right' roommates, we mean a person or persons who respect your child's space and privacy. They don't have to be great friends, and in many cases, that may offer certain advantages.

On the other hand, having the 'wrong' roommate can be disastrous. We know of two freshman students, each in different universities, who have ended up with roommates who have made their life 'difficult' in their first year. One student is in a double; the other is in a quad. A quad is a dorm that is often a suite. It's two bedrooms, and a common room that is typically used as the common area where the television, refrigerator, and microwave would be. Normally, there are four students sharing the quad.

Sam's first choice was to stay in a quad because of the common area, but he ended up in a double. Many students who spent their first year in a double say that the double offers one main advantage over the more spacious quad; something that is not obvious to the incoming freshman.

My nephew, who graduated from Wharton, said that when you're in a double, you tend to spend more time mingling with other students on the floor because of the lack of a common area. That's exactly what Sam found. He developed some very good friendships with students on his floor.

So keep that in mind when deciding on the preferred dorm room accommodations.

Every once in a while, your child will give you an unexpected surprise. And ours was Columbus Day weekend. My wife and I were sitting in our family room, watching some mindless television program - I need mindless programs after working all day - when there was a knock at the front door. At first we couldn't tell who it was because all we saw was a giant laundry bag.

Suddenly, the giant laundry bag fell to the ground, and there was our son. My wife started to scream. I started to scream. My daughter started to scream. Then Sam started to scream. Yes, we were the screaming family.

There's something inherent in college students about coming home and bringing their laundry. It must be the laundry detergent we use; Tide, with no perfumes or dyes. And it must be that my wife uses laundry secrets handed down to her from her mother, because why else would my Sam, coming home just for the weekend, drag a ninety pound bag of laundry well over two hundred miles.

It is one of the great mysteries of the freshman college experience.

The third week of October brought Family Weekend. We had been waiting for this time since we left Sam at school. The college Sam goes to set up a series of programs for parents and students, running the gamut from academic lectures to providing tickets to that day's football game.

Some of the local restaurants in town also got involved. One in particular offered a clambake on Saturday night, and the local bookstore had a book signing by a former student who is now a prominent news broadcaster.

My wife, daughter and myself drove up on a Friday night and had arranged to meet Sam at his dorm at 10:00 in the morning for a brunch. We arrived at his dorm right on time. I took an elevator up to his room, knocked on the door, and as the door opened, there stood Sam, bleary eyed, dressed in his college pajamas (I'll leave it at that) with the look of don't tell me it's family weekend. "I'll be right out dad," he said, yawning.

We had brunch at a local hotel while Sam brought us up to date on his college experiences. This was one of those special moments. All those years of raising him and now we finally had a chance to listen in on his entrance into academia. "So", I said eagerly, "Tell us about college life."

"It's good Dad, could you please pass the soda?" Oh well.

After brunch, we walked around the local town, saw a movie at the only movie theater in town, and had pizza for dinner. We decided to bypass the $75 per person clambake (A little steep).

Now this just happened to be the weekend the Yankees were playing the Marlins in the World Series. What luck. Just like old times. We'll go back to our hotel and I'll be able to watch the series with my son.

But while eating pizza, he informed us that he had already made arrangements to watch the Series with his friends at the dorm.

SHOT DOWN....

A sobering experience; I was no longer the main Yankee guy. I was now the father of that young man in college.

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November 2003 - His Third Month at College

The long held concepts of night and day, weekday and weekend cease to exist at college. Studying for an exam on a Saturday night, something that was not acceptable for him while in high school has now become routine. Unfortunately, his rescheduled day has now become ours.

Thursday night, November 13, 2003, 12:30 a.m. Our telephone rings. My first thought; is someone in the family sick, or worse, has someone died?

"Hey Dad," announces my son, clueless as to the time. "Did you catch Letterman tonight? I was studying for my International Relations exam and couldn't stop laughing." "No," I replied, bleary eyed, trying to understand what was so funny about International Relations." Is there something you need?"

"Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you Dad?" he asked, slightly apologetic. "Of course not," I replied, "Your mom and I never go to bed before 1 a.m."

"Good," replied Sam, now gaining steam as my wife and I began losing consciousness. "Can you take a look at the essay I just wrote?" "Sure, just e-mail it and I'll send you my comments."

Barely conscious, I stumble out of bed, and begin the pilgrimage to my office down the hall.

It's now 12:50 a.m.

Stumbling down the hallway, I make my way to my office and plunk down on my desk chair. The chair rolls backward and runs over my left big toe. I am in pain. I am now semiconscious and in pain.

I turn on my computer, and wait more than ten minutes before my screen has arrived at the main desktop. Bill Gates has decided that Windows XP shouldn't be any faster than two snails in a foot race.

It's now 1:00 a.m.

I finally open my e-mail.

But I find it difficult to read at 1:00 a.m. The light from my office lamp seems more like the blazing sun on a sweltering summer day. I begin to squint. I am now semiconscious, squinting, and have a painful big left toe.

I persevere, and the e-mail finally comes into focus.

Sam's note to me reads, "Dad, just a short essay. Could you please read it thoroughly, and make some general comments. It's due 9 o'clock in the morning."

I open Sam's essay, which he sent as a Word attachment. It reads, "The Effects of International Relations on Aspiring Democratic Nations."

It's ten pages long.

I put my head down on my desk, and softly whimper. I'm too tired to cry.

One of the great advantages of the Internet is it allows you to stay in touch with your child; not only exchanging e-mail's and photos, but also easily allowing you to provide any assistance relating to their academic work. Something as simple as proof reading one of their essays can go a long way in relieving their first year college jitters.

The third week in November brought Thanksgiving. Initially, Sam was going to get a ride home with a friend, but the timing didn't work, so Sam was without a ride. I called the school and was informed that they had an alumni club in our area that arranged bus transportation during holidays.

Former students volunteered their time to make arrangements by taking phone calls from parents to arrange payment and distribute tickets to the students right at the school. It worked like a charm. I called the number I was given, and spoke to an alumnus at his place of business. That night I sent a check to the address I was given and two days later Sam received the tickets in his school mail box.

The bus dropped him off in the parking lot of a major department store about twenty-five minutes from our house on the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving, and picked him up for the return trip on the following Sunday afternoon. It was surprisingly easy to arrange, and saved my wife and myself what would have been an eight hour round trip on both of those days.

Now that I've taken you this far in my story, I'm going to digress a bit, and talk about college bills. We get a bill each month from the university. If you've received a financial aid package, it may be a combination of a university need-based grant, Pell Grant (federal grant), Stafford Loan (low-cost loans awarded to the student), Parent Plus Loan (parent loan), and Merit Awards (awarded to the student).

Our bill is similar to a balance sheet. The left side of the bill has the university charges (Tuition, meal plan, room charge etc.) while the right side of the bill contains the university credits/ or anticipated credits. Toward the bottom of the bill is your balance due for the month, which is derived by deducting the credits from the charges.

That figure is the amount you owe that month. But that amount is not always accurate. The various grants and loans come to the school at different times. So each time I receive a bill from the college, I call the university to verify what the actual payment should be.

Recently, I had a sizable credit one month, and a balance due the next for the same semester. What I've decided to do is leave any credits we have in Sam's account, allowing it to float onto the next bill. That of course is a personal decision.

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December 2003 - His Fourth Month at College

One of the advantages of going to a small private college is the access a student has to professors. This is not to say that your child won't develop good relationships in larger schools, but the opportunities for one-on-one dialogues will certainly not be as prevalent. And it's one of the major factors that should be considered when deciding between a large university and one that's appreciably smaller.

Sam's favorite class during his first semester in school was called The Jazz Age.

One of his assignment's involved writing a research paper on someone that had a major influence in America during the Jazz Age - the 1920's. He decided on Paul Whiteman, one of the major forces in jazz during that time, but who today is looked upon with a great deal of cynicism by jazz purists.

A series of small meetings between Sam and his professor narrowed down the topic and allowed him to place his focus where it needed to be.

But information on Paul Whiteman was not easily available in the school's library, so I searched the Internet and was able to locate two books. One I found in a rare bookstore in North Carolina, and had them both shipped to him at college.

He dove head first into the project and received an A for his efforts, as well as an A for the semester. As it turns out, the professor is also Sam's guidance counselor and because they both share an interest in jazz, he told Sam he would cut him a few jazz CD(s).

It's also common practice at the school Sam attends for students to be invited to the homes of the professors for study or review periods. That's not something that often happens in the larger universities.

One of the major questions that haunts first year students is their desire to answer that age old question," What do I want to do with my life?" A daunting thought for an eighteen- year old. Now regarding Sam, he has quite a dilemma. He's torn in two directions. Caught as they say between a rock and a hard place. He thinks he might like to be a veterinarian, but also loves to write.

So when your interests are so diverse, it's difficult to decide upon your course selection. Each major requires particular core courses, and the choice between pre-medicine and writing are vastly different.

What to do.

My wife and I gave the best advice we could. For your first year, simply choose classes you think you'll enjoy, along with the required core classes that you must take.

It's a good way to ease into the college experience.

Among many things a first year student should try to keep away from is applying too much internal pressure. A formula of taking classes you enjoy should equal top grades.

Heading deep into December.....

And as the first semester winds down, that age-old enemy of all students begins to surface.

Finals.

Oh, the humanity!

By the time a student becomes a freshman in college, the way in which they study is pretty well 'cast in stone'.

Sam's studying techniques have been perfected over many years. He carefully developed this tried and true technique and has had great success in making him the top student that he is.

He calls it 'studying at the last minute'.

Someone told me that he knew a person who was doing a research paper on study techniques and when they happened upon a discourse in 'studying at the last minute'; my son's name appeared. I've even heard talk about a new entry in the curriculum at my son's school regarding successful strategies in last minute studying with Sam as a guest speaker.

Sam had four finals in a one-week period during the third week in December. He did well, and was greatly relieved after they had ended.

Several weeks before his winter break, he made arrangements to carpool with someone to get home. But that was contingent on the other student's finals schedule. At the last minute, that schedule changed and Sam was without a ride.

On December 20th, I gassed up my car and drove four hours to his university to bring him home for his three-week winter recess. When I entered the dorm a very odd thing happened. To this day I can't explain it, but I became invisible. There can't be any other explanation because several times, while I was helping Sam carry his things out of the dorm to my van, students who Sam was friendly with stopped to say good-bye.

They wished him well, told him to have a save trip, but never acknowledged that I was standing there. Nor did Sam introduce me. I quickly ran back into my Sam's dorm room and peered into the mirror, and to my surprise, I was able to see my reflection. As soon as I left the room, I must have disappeared because no one seemed to notice me.

Minutes after leaving the campus, we stopped in one of the two local pizza parlors to have lunch before the long trip back. The interesting thing was, when I walked in I must have reappeared, because the man behind the counter asked me what I would like.

I understand this phenomenon is common among the parents of first year college students.

So the first semester had ended. My van was filled with my son's ninety pounds of laundry. He had taken home all the important items from his dorm, his CD(s), his Sony Play Station II, and his Apple IPOD. And as we drove through the picturesque snow covered towns that line the surrounding countryside where his college sits, I could not help but think how well he had enjoyed his first ever college experience.

"So," I said, proud of Sam's first semester accomplishments. "Is it what you though it would be?" Did you pick the right school?" Are you happy with next semester's class selections?"

With a quick turn of the head, I snuck a glance and saw my son, his eyes closed, the headphones from his IPOD attached to his ears, and Eric Clapton reverberating through his senses. And I knew. He had become a college man.

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Late December 2003 - January 2004 - Winter Recess

Ah, Winter recess.

The prodigal son has returned.

Just eighteen, his first tenure in the halls of education must have instilled within him the wisdom of Socrates, the poetic elegance of Whitman, and the wit of Twain. University life has a way of allowing the child to mature. They venture out into the world and return older, wiser and more mature they when they left. They are unrecognizable to their parents.

Our returning scholar had probably prepared himself for a full assortment of activities; a weekend of skiing to clear his mind of his recent midterms; visits to his relatives to boast of his academic achievements. Maybe even some volunteer work in our town. Surely, his months away from home have allowed him to grow and understand the meaning of giving of one's time.

So it was to my surprise when Sam wandered into our kitchen on Sunday afternoon, after sleeping twelve hours, prepared a bowl of Cheerioes, poured in the milk and flopped down on the family room couch. And there he stayed.

He lay there when it snowed, and he lay there when it rained. And even when the sun was out, he poked his head around the family room curtains, and then flopped down again on the couch, annoyed that the sun had entered the room.

Periodically, he placed the headphones from his IPOD in his ear, and spent days pressing the remote control for our satellite T.V. In the days that followed, he went through all 800 of our satellite stations. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week for three and half weeks, he watched HBO, ESPN, STARZ, Pay Per View Movies, Boxing, Baseball Classics, Bowling, the World Championships of Poker replays, and his favorite show, the Actor's Studio.

He took a break on Friday nights when he went to his favorite Tai restaurant with his old high school friends. He even ventured out to the movies several times, but always returning to the safety and familiarity of our family room. A startling event actually occurred one night when he went off to the movies with his mom.

You know how there's this point in time when your child reaches a certain age and they can't be seen with you because what would their friends think. For Sam, that began at the age of 11 and apparently ended with that trip to the movies.

So if you're a parent, and really need a reason to continue the difficult task of financing your child's education, take a lesson from this parent, at least your child will now allow you to be seen in public with them.

There is one important task you may want your child to become involved with while they're at home. That is to consider their options for the summer. Now that they've been through their first semester, they may have hit upon something that greatly interests them. It may be in the field of business, or computer science, or maybe they've developed an interest in public service.

Many businesses offer summer intern programs for students. They usually request a copy of the student's grades, although after just one semester there's really not much of a track record. But it's certainly worth looking into. And if the programs are not offered until their sophomore or junior years, they've at least developed a relationship that they can tap into at a later date.

Your child's guidance counselor would of course be a great resource and most college's do provide information for such programs. But being proactive and starting early could only benefit them in the long run.

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January 2004 - The Packages - His Fifth Month at College

I have an old copy of Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary.

It defines package as the following: 1) a small or moderate sized pack; 2) a commodity or a unit of a product uniformly wrapped or sealed.

Forget that. Or as we used to say where I grew up in Brooklyn, forgetaboudit.

The packages start the second you drop your child off at school.

College packages fall within three major categories:

• I left it at home packages;
• Junk food packages;
• Convenience packages.

Now let's break these down -

• I left it at home packages : To our son, this is critical. And this is where express shipments at the Post Office become vital. The Post Office charges a minimum of $13.75 for an express shipment, an amount that escalates as the weight of the package increases. So what is this item that Sam could not live without. And why did I take off from work on Monday morning and stand on line at the Post Office for a half hour.

Sam left his IPOD charger at home.

Can he make it another day? What will he listen to? Will it affect him emotionally? Should he see the school psychologist? Will my wife and I suffer damaging consequences and will the emotional damage he suffers be irreversible?

Don't hesitate for one second; when your time comes, drop whatever you're doing and rush off to the post office so life as your child knows it will continue.

• Junk food packages: There are two types of junk food packages, those sent by parents and those sent by grandparents.

Remember what your mom told you about candy.

"Don't eat candy, it'll rot your teeth".

Forget that. This is not about good eating habits. And this is not about nutrition. This is about who gets the student to like them the most. It's about who gives the best junk food - the bigger the package, the happier the student. Do you know the yearly competition between the Yankees and the Red Sox? - This is bigger.

Did you ever see the old television show The Land of the Giants? I think the package my parents sent their grandson was an old prop from the show. Sam said the package was so big that he had to tie a cord around the box and hoist it up the side of the building. He couldn't bring it through the window because it didn't fit, so he hoisted it up to the roof, and then carried it down and into his room. While carrying it down the steps, he needed help from his roommate; an upperclassman walked into it and almost fell down the stairs.

Hearing this story from Sam, my wife and I leaped into action. We drove over to Target and bought the most non-nutritious candy we could find. We decided Sam would like that the best. A giant bag of Doritos; a giant bag of Wise Potato Chips; twelve packs of Hershey chocolate bars; three Musketeer Bars that even the musketeers would get a stomachache from, and ten Milky Way Bars. We even sent him up a jar of Newman's Salsa dip to have with his Tortilla chips - both the round dipping kind, and the regular. I wasn't going to let my parents out-do me in junk food. I grew up eating junk. I'm an expert, having I spent plenty of time in my youth throwing up from candy before my mom served dinner. I also threw in some six-packs of soda, put in two-apples for nutrition (I couldn't help it, my parental instincts took over), and placed it all in the largest box I could find. The box was actually too large for the amount of food we put in, but I had to be sure the box was bigger than my parent's box.

When I brought the box into the Post Office, the clerk asked me "Any perishable items?" "No", I replied, "It's only junk!"

• Convenience packages:

The desire to send convenience packages is driven by the inability of the parent to let go. Can someone please explain to me why we had to ship two-six packs of water up to our son at a cost of $9.50, when the water itself cost me less than half that.

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February 2004 - It's Cold Up Here - His Sixth Month at College

There's an episode of the classic television show The Odd Couple where Felix Unger tells Oscar that his mother made him wear a sweater at his own wedding. Parents always think their children are going to be cold, or freeze to death as my mother used to say. Because Sam goes to a university in Northern New York, my wife made sure he had clothes warm enough to survive subzero blizzards at the North Pole.

Several weeks before he left for school, we went to EMS, an outdoors store known for their warm clothes.

My wife bought him two pairs of silk thermals, or what we used to call long johns. Today they're made of silk because they breathe easily, and don't cause the unbearable itching that the cotton or old woolen thermals did. They're expensive, but well worth the money. In addition to that, fleece gloves, a fleece hat and a scarf. I told her if he shows up with a scarf, he'll be laughed out of his dorm. My wife assured me that kids aren't like they were when I grew up, and many of them wear scarfs.

She has to stop watching Seventh Heaven with our daughter.

We also made him bring up his old Eddie Bauer jacket that's listed on the interior label as being warm down to 20 degrees below zero.

He protested all these items, and it took much convincing (bribery), for him to relent and pack these items. Do you think he ever wore any of them? No. Not a single one.

Each day I went onto the Yahoo weather site and punched in his zip code to compare the temperatures between where we live, and the area surrounding his school. When it was 20 degrees by us, it was 10 degrees by him. When it was zero by us, it was 10 below at the school. The walk from his dorm to the cafeteria is maybe 20 feet. He said there was a week where it didn't get above 10 below. By the time he would get to his class or cafeteria, he couldn't feel his face, or fingers. Now you may ask yourself why was it that he couldn't feel his face or fingers.

Because the dummy wasn't wearing his North Pole clothes!

But I'll tell you what was warm. The two pair of silk thermals rolled up in his dresser was warm. His fleece hat sitting under his baseball glove was warm. The fleece gloves we paid $50 dollars for were nice and toasty. His old Eddie Bauer jacket was snuggled nicely in his room, squashed under his CD case, being used as his carpet when he got out of bed in the morning to keep his feet warm. And where was that scarf?

Three weeks after he left for school, I found it in our garage under some old boxes.

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March 2004 - Hi Dad, Is Mom There - His Seventh Month at College

Hi Dad, is mom there?

Hi Dad, is mom there?

Hi Dad, is mom there?

You know the old expression. "What am I, chopped liver?"

In the seven months since Sam has left for college, I think he's actually called me twice. Once when the Yankees traded for Alex Rodriguez, and once to tell me to watch Bill Maher. It seems that my wife is the apparent expert in almost everything. She reads a novel each week - which she's been doing since she's a teenager - and seems to know a little bit about everything - whereas I seem to know a lot about some things. Outside of baseball, those something's don't seem important enough to my son.

"What should I major in, Mom?"

"What do you think I should wear with these jeans, Mom?"

"When do you think the next killer asteroid will hit, Mom?"

When I do get on the phone with Sam, outside of talking baseball, the phone line becomes silent. Sam and I are both quiet, then he gets on the phone with my wife, or with his sister, and the conversation seems to go on forever. Sometimes I find myself wanting to pick up the one of the other receivers, just to find out what the hell is going on.

Speaking of phones, at Sam's school, each room is equipped with one phone jack, regardless of whether the room is a single or a double. There's no charge for the use of the line, as long as you supply the phone and only make local calls, or receive calls. (The calls you receive can be local or long distance). In order to make long distance calls, there's a charge of twenty dollars per month, and five cents a minute for each call.

This year we opted to use the free service, and have Sam use his cell phone for all the calls to us and any other long distance calls he wants to make. Because we have an unlimited calling plan with Verizon, whenever he calls us, he then hangs up and we call him back. That way he' s not using the minutes on his plan, and we get good use from our unlimited phone plan.

Periodically my wife will write him a letter. Don't downplay the importance of letters. They play an important role in your child's first 'real' move away from home. Even though they won't admit it, there are some freshman students who have a tough time the first year living away from home. They're homesick. And there's something about a letter, something they can hold in their hand that you've written, words they can touch, that make faraway not so far.

One young man in Sam's dorm left after the first week. He said he missed being home.

And now that I've taken you into his seventh month of college, it's time to talk about the food.

One of the schools Sam applied to was Cornell. I remember the tour guide making a point of how great the food in the cafeteria was and how some of the students actually looked forward to lunch and dinner. But that kind of praise hasn't been lavished on the cafeterias at our son's school. I know this because he tells me the cafeterias make White Castle look like a four start restaurant. And every time he comes home, he spends the first two days eating everything my wife makes, and even things I make, and that's going some.

So make it your business, whenever you bring your kids back to school or visit them, to prepare something frozen that they can heat up in the microwave, something that can be cut into portions before freezing. That way they can pop it in the microwave and have a home cooked meal at school.

Here are some good food suggestions, both frozen and not frozen to prepare for them.

Frozen

• Lasagna
• Baked Ziti

Non-Frozen

• Cup-A-Soup
• Microwave Popcorn
• Hot chocolate
• Pop Tarts

Be sure they have a good supply of paper plates (both dinner size, desert size, and bowls), cups (hot and cold), and plenty of plastic silverware. We sent him to school with a basic silverware set, but it's in our house now because he refuses to wash anything. Keep that in mind. Go disposable.

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April 2004 - Half a Century - His Eighth Month at College

Tragedy struck during Sam's eighth month in college.

It was an unavoidable occurrence that happens to all of us, yet when it arrives, we are completely unprepared for it. At first we were numb. It's as if a sense of paralysis engulfs our very being. We are completely helpless. But then we simply succumb to its finality.

On April 17th, 2004, I turned fifty.

My wife drove out to bring Sam home for the weekend celebration. My parents were in from Florida. So my wife, son and daughter, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, my wife's sister and my brother in-law, and my bother's son and daughter and her fiancée, went out to dinner to celebrate my first half-century.

I couldn't help but think how I had arrived at this time and if the efforts of my wife and myself would bring our son to a different place when he turns fifty. It's a daunting task providing a private university education for your child. The financial sacrifices do take their toll.

And for what it's worth, I believe the college your child attends does make a marked difference in the quality of their education and life. To be clear on this, I'm not proposing that an Ivy League school be your child's ultimate target. Actually, it's your child's interests that should drive the selection of the school.

The Valedictorian at Sam's high school could have gone to the Ivy League school of her choosing with a full scholarship. But she was very interested in teaching music and chose a state university in Pennsylvania that had the specific program she was looking for, walking away from the Harvards and Yales of the world.

So when we went looking for a school that would fit Sam, we narrowed our search down to schools with strong English departments. Writing is one of his passions. He also wanted to stay within a seven hour driving distance of our home, so we did some research using the Princeton Review Guide - The Best 331 Colleges - an excellent choice for focusing in on schools that meet the requirements your child is looking for. It provides information such as academic qualifications, student life, admissions, and financial aid in a concise format that's geared for the student and parent. I especially like the comments made in the student body evaluation written by students.

Sam applied to seven schools we found in this guide - one state, and six private universities.

One of the private schools was in a nearby state. One was a stretch school, and the state university was his safe school. The others fell somewhere in the middle. The suggested practice when applying for schools is to always choose a safe school, one you're pretty sure you can get into, and a stretch school, one your child would love to go to, but is probably a bit out of their reach academically.

One of the most important tasks in investigating schools is to actually visit the school, go on a walking tour and sit in on an 'informational session'. Current students who get paid for their services usually give the walking tours. Visiting parents and prospective students are broken up into small groups and taken around by these guides. Outside of becoming familiar with the campus, great insight can be attained by simply speaking with the one of these current students after the tour is completed.

But keep in mind, the students operating these walking tours are usually students who really enjoy the school and in our experience won't offer many negative remarks. During the five walking tours we took, not a single student made a critical comment about the school.

Regarding the informational sessions, I found them to be quite revealing, both in the level of information presented and an unexpected insight relating to the directness and tone of the speaker, usually an administrator.

We found the speaker at one of the informational sessions at an Ivy League school to be arrogant in the way he referred to other schools. We were there to hear about the school he was representing, not to hear him disparage other schools. That can tell you 'volumes' about the school.

So what are some revealing insights gathered at these sessions? Here's one. At one session we attended a parent asked the speaker whether a person applying for 'early decision' acceptance and requesting financial aid had the same chance of being accepted as a student who was able to pay full tuition. The honesty of the answer surprised me.

"No", said the speaker. "Unfortunately, the school still needs to be funded and if two students having similar qualifications apply, we'll choose the one having the financial resources because early decision candidates contractually have committed to accepting if we accept them."

So much for 'blind' acceptance.

How did we make our choice? There were several factors - some important to us, some important to Sam.

He loved the campus, which is the initial attraction for prospective students on first arriving. The school is very selective academically, which told him that he would be challenged. In addition, the school has a great sports program. And overall, he had a good feeling about it.

As far as we were concerned, we liked the feeling we got during the informational session. And we received a phone call from a current student's parent telling us how happy her daughter was at the school and how good her experiences were when dealing with the administration. A nice touch, it seemed genuine. And since he's been there, we haven't been disappointed.

An important consideration when applying to schools is the size of their post-graduate program. Many times, a very large graduate department can drain resources from the undergraduate program. You may be well served speaking with former students. One of the things that attracted us to our son's school is that there are no graduate students. It's strictly a liberal arts school.

Other things to look for are programs that offer overseas studies. What a great experience. Maybe we'll look into it for his junior year.

So with all that lies in front of him, the lofty goals, and great experiences and expectations, I've suddenly come to the realization that when he does turn fifty, I hope he ends up in the same place I found myself that Saturday evening, April 17th, 2004.

Surrounded by all the people who love him.

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May 2004 - I'm Stalling - His Ninth Month at College

A short month - his last day of classes was May 8th.

But for that first week, Sam was consumed with finals. And what does Sam do when he has finals to study for? He stalls. And finals week is when Sam elevates stalling to another art form.

Van Gogh at his pallet, not Sam's equal. Da Vinci with his drawings, not a close second. Edison? Nope. Michelangelo, don't insult Sam. Sam is in another realm. Another dimension. He doesn't walk on water, he glides.

And how does he perform all these miracles. How has he perfected the art of stalling? Simple, he calls his mom. At 10:00 p.m. she receives the psychology call, 12:00 a.m. is reserved for the call concerning his ethics exam, and Western Traditions, he doesn't bother my wife that day, he's kind enough to call her the next day, 1:00 a.m. in the morning.

Sam is at his best when he stalls. Because for some unknown reason, that to this day escapes most stalling experts, the less time he has to study, the more information he retains, and the better he does. And in his first year, he made the dean's list.

Go figure.

That Saturday morning, I cleared out the mini-van, had my Shredded Wheat and 1% organic milk, and began the three and a half-hour trek to bring Sam home from his first year in college. It was a dry morning, the air was brisk, but a mild wind and crystal blue sky framed my long drive. I listened to the greatest hits of Simon and Garfunkel from the moment I got into the car and replayed it over and over again until I arrived at the school.

I was visited often during those three and half hours by memories of my first year in college, and the stark differences in the experiences of Sam and myself. I completed my first year at a city university in New York where the tuition was free, and a small 'registrar's fee' of $53.00 had to be paid each semester.

For many of the people I knew, the subject of which school to attend never came up with their parents. The city universities in New York were free, and your choice came down to which city school to attend. If you wanted to become an accountant, you went to Baruch College. If you wanted to go into law enforcement, you went to John Jay. If you simply wanted a good Liberal Arts school, each borough had its own school.

Those who grew up in Brooklyn went to Brooklyn College. If you were from Queens, Queens College was your choice. If you lived in Manhattan, you attended Hunter or CCNY. And being a resident in New York City, you could apply to any of their universities.

But I think there are great differences, most of them positive, when making the choice of living away from home for those four years. The dynamics of your everyday life change radically because your roommates and school friends become your family. Even in our first visit during Family Weekend, changes were apparent in our son. Not all the changes were dramatic. Most were subtle, but those are the types of changes that you look for when someone begins to mature.

Here are two examples.

Twice my wife received calls during the year about problems Sam had with some of the upper classmen in his dorm. In each instance he handled the matter without the involvement of the school administration. Sam is very much like my wife and will try at all costs to avoid confrontation, unless there's no other choice.

A second, and quite revealing transition that took hold of Sam this year began with his work as a DJ on the college radio station. For someone who never felt comfortable with small talk, my wife and I could hear him evolving from someone uncomfortable with the microphone to someone who says he will miss hosting his weekly show.

I listened to Simon and Garfunkel for the sixth and final time, and thought about how much Sam will miss school, his friends, his new independence. I thought about his growth as a student and person, his growing maturity, and how difficult it would be for him to come home and once again fall within the dynamics as the older brother. Maybe I'll get up there and he'll say he's decided to stay for the summer and work as an intern on a local radio station. Or maybe, he decided to be an assistant to one of his professors on a research project.

With those thoughts in mind, I parked my car at the base of his dorm. I took the elevator up to the third floor, where he was already walking toward me with two large clothing bags in tow, and several packed boxes and items stacked at the front of his dorm room.

"Let's Go. I've had enough of this place."

"What did mom make for dinner?"

With that, we hauled all the items down the stairs - some ended up in the elevator, quickly packed the van, and as Sam began our three and half hour drive home, I listened to the soothing ballads of Simon and Garfunkel.

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Early May 2004 - August 2004 - The Summer Vacation and Home Base

One thing you can say with certainty, most college students get a lot of time off.

Sam started school in late August, and was finished by the first week of May - his summer break, three and half months.

Three and a half months is a good amount of time to reflect on your first year in the halls of academia, to consider the road you've traveled and how decisions you make going forward can dramatically affect your future. So on the morning of May 9th, 2004, on his first day home, Sam said, "Hey dad, let's get tickets to a Yankee game".

And on May 13, 2004, we sat in box 638, section 20 at 1:05 p.m. to see the Yankees battle the Anaheim Angels - so much for academic reflection.

His time off was pretty uneventful.

In June he saw Incubus at Madison Square Garden. I thought an Incubus was an evil spirit but Sam assured me it was a rock group. I'll tell you how often I go to concerts at Madison Square Garden. The last one I attended was in August of 1974. It was Bruce Springsteen's first major appearance in New York, and he was the opening act for Chicago.

For the second consecutive summer, Sam worked at a camp as a lake counselor. His job was to bring the boats to the campers and make sure they were tied down at the end of the day. And for the second consecutive year, the money he made was placed into his debit card at school to pay for all of his expenses (books, entertainment, restaurants) during the year.

It's a good way to make them responsible for at least some of their costs.

And while we're on the subject of summer vacation, I want to talk about a subject that is greatly overlooked. And that 's the subject of a 'home base'.

When your children go off to college, I know of many parents who no longer see the need to live in their present house and look into downsizing. Especially today, when the market is so inflated and selling to the right buyer can make a nice profit. But what you overlook when you do this, and most of the time unintentionally, is the affect it will have on your children. Most of them continue to need their home base.

Their home base is not only a place they come home to during breaks, it's also their security. It's where they feel safe and most comfortable. I left my home in Brooklyn twenty-eight years ago after my parents sold our house, but Brooklyn will always be 'my' home. And the small two-bedroom brick house I grew up in will always remain in my mind as a place of security.

I've visited that house in my mind many times over the years, but have never returned because the thought of someone else living there would distort those images.

They say you can't go home again. But you can, if you just keep that home base.

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August 2004 - No Need For A Buying Spree - His Sophmore Year

History repeats itself? Not in this case.

One year ago, you would have sworn my wife and I had bipolar disorder - we panicked, rushed around, and bought everything but the kitchen sink for Sam's first journey to college. Yet after a thorough examination of last year's items, much to our dismay and delight, we found the following to be true - The refrigerator was still intact, the microwave had only one nick, his IPOD, although filled to capacity, was still operating. (If you purchase an IPOD, or something similar for your college bound student, get the largest hard drive you can. The 10 Gig IPOD that Sam has was filled to capacity by the third week of last year. )

Let's review a full list of what items survived and which met untimely deaths.

Survived

• Refrigerator
• Microwave
• Vacuum
• Stick Lamp
• Computer
• Printer
• Son
• Son's Roommate

Passed On

• Desk Lamp (what do you expect for $5.99 at Staples)
• Door message board (inexpensive and one of the most useful items in a dorm)
• Money (lot's of it)

What did we have to buy him this year? He didn't like his bed quilt. It attracted lint, dirt and 'dorm insects'. 'Dorm Insects' are insects that survive only in dorm rooms. They're very resistant to dorm fungus, sticky soda cans and decaying pizza, these actually accelerate their reproductive cycle and allow them to multiply rapidly.

When we went to buy him a new quilt, we specifically asked the salesman about its resistance to 'dorm insects'. Not being familiar with 'dorm insects', he called over the store manager who must have had a cold in his ear, because when we asked him the same question, he squinted, rapidly popped his ears with the palm of his hand, and told us he had a pressing engagement.

Stay away from quilts made with micro fibers. They attract things. And when you live in a dorm room that's vacuumed twice in nine months, things that are green and are created artificially attach themselves to micro fibers. Just buy a good cotton quilt. It'll attract a lot less dirt and the dreaded 'dorm insect'.

Talking about dirt. Although Sam only used the vacuum I bought him twice, he said it expelled more dirt than it sucked in. Last year, my wife and I splurged and bought a Eureka electric broom for a whopping $19.95. This year, I expanded my search. Money was no object. So I happened upon Walmart where I found the ultimate dorm room vacuum. It's called the 'Big Boss' - a steal for $53.95. And with the name 'Big Boss', it must be an exceptional machine.

Now if you recall, we bought enough stationary supplies last year to last him his full four years in college. We didn't have to buy as much as a pencil this year. And he left half of what we bought him home this year.

And what did we learn from his freshman year? (And this is especially relevant to the families of incoming freshman students.) Do Not, let me repeat; do not go on a buying spree before you see the dorm room. Don't make the same mistake we made last year unless you have already seen the room and know exactly what will fit. Why, because usually, outside of his toothbrush, everything else is a tight squeeze.

This is especially true if the school is in or close to a moderate size city. The day you bring your child to school, make a quick survey of the room, and then head off to the nearest Bed and Bath or Staples where you'll be able to purchase most of the things they need. You'll also be surprised to learn that most University bookstores have many basic dorm room supplies at fair prices.

Of course, farms, cows, and tractors surround Sam's school so we had little choice. The only thing within thirty miles we were able to buy was fertilizer and seed and Sam is not going to major in agriculture.

There was one critical item that Sam needed - more data space for his PC. During the year, I shipped him up a 120 GB external hard drive - that's a hard drive that's connected to your PC through a USB port using a single wire. It's more expensive than an internal drive, but allows portability. A student can copy data onto the drive then connect it to another PC that can now access that data.

When Sam came home for the summer break, he was out of space. Both the 80 GB internal hard drive and the new external hard drive had reached their data capacity. So we purchased an additional 160 GB internal hard drive. I was happy to see his PC was being loaded with a great deal of school related material.

But the data wasn't exactly school related. To be more accurate, it was movies. Sam has become a movie addict. He has more movies downloaded on his PC than the Library of Congress has books.

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Late August 2004 - Our Drive Up to College

Here we are. Old Pros.

This time, my wife didn't cry.

We began to pack the day before and the decision was made not to reserve a hotel room and get up there the night before. Because Sam was no longer an entering freshman, there was no registration involved, and no orientation for the parents. We would simply drive him up, help him unpack, then leave - "You can leave now!" a common expression that develops when your child turns fifteen.

The university allows one hundred and fifty students to come up early each year to help the incoming freshman unload their cars and bring their things directly into the dorm rooms. They even get paid for it. So Sam decided to do it. The big advantage is that your child goes up to the school early when its practically empty, is able to drive directly up to the dorm to unload everything, and has plenty of time to settle in.

If your child's university has such a program, tell them to take advantage of it. Not only does it give extra time for them to get settled in, but they make some spending money as well.

By now we had memorized the 195-mile trek to his college. No need to print off the directions from Mapquest anymore. A real man doesn't need directions. Not only that, but I don't need a navigator either. Captain Kirk needed a navigator. And Captain Picard needed one too. But if I can't find my way up to his college after driving there five times during the school year, I shouldn't be driving at all. So we made our usual stop at Wendy's, and then continued up to the school. But somewhere along the way, there was a left turn we didn't make. We were only lost for forty-five minutes. My wife made some dumb suggestion about stopping at a gas station. Can you imagine?

Each year, the school has a lottery to decide where the upper classmen will be rooming. Each student receives a lottery number, the lower the number, the better the chances are of securing a prime room. If you decide you want to share a room, you only need one of the students to have a low number. So whether it's a double, a triple, or some type of suite arrangement - some suites in his school hold up to five students - only one of the students has to have a low number. But even if the number is low, you still can't pick the dorm building you want. You can end up in any building, but your chances greatly increase on securing the type of room or suite that you want.

Sam decided to room this year with his roommate from last year and three other students he became friendly with. One of them was lucky enough to secure the number seven, so they chose a five-person suite that consisted of three bedrooms and a central bathroom - two 2-person rooms, and one single. Sam told me his room was a lot larger and so there would be plenty of room this year.

We finally arrived and were able to pull right up to his new dorm that was right around the corner from last year's. I immediately exited the car and began doing what my wife says I do best. Telling other people what to do. Carry that. Lift this.

I was excited.

Sam was staying in a suite. He deserves it. He did well last year and why not. It's the best time of his life. A suite. It's probably similar to the suite in the Plaza Hotel in the movie Home Alone. Giant rooms. Giant beds. Giant windows. And the three bedrooms encircling a giant bathroom where Sam spends more time than most people I know. What I wouldn't give to trade places with him.

Oh, to be young again.

So the three of us began our ascent up the three flights of steps to the Taj Mahal. A suite that only a lottery number seven could attain. Sam charged up the steps, my wife in quick pursuit, and dad, gimpy, hobbling up from step to step, throbbing pain in the back of my calf from my two herniated discs, but a great understanding that sometimes in life, the end is worth the journey.

The three of us stepped into the room and it became immediately clear the architect who designed this room had one or more of the following traits: mixed up, jumbled, disordered, disorganized, disorderly, muddled, muddle-headed, snarled, messy, confusing, mystifying, puzzling.

The room measures 20' by 13', yet the left side of the room extends further at the back, while the right side extended further in the front. Similar to last year, on either side of the room is a captain's bed, dresser and desk and chair. The windows at the far end of the room must have been designed by a tall skinny giant because I've never seen casement windows 4" wide, and 40" long. I don't think the incredible shrinking man could get enough oxygen in this room.

Sam's roommate had already arrived, so Sam, my wife and myself, Sam's roommate, and one of Sam's friends in the adjoining room all set out to devise a plan. How to arrange the room so A) they could both breathe, b) they could have some privacy while sitting at their desks, and C) arrange it quickly enough so they could get rid of my wife and I.

Sam placed his desk in front of the window because he learned in science last year that the body needs oxygen to breathe. He allowed several feet behind him to move his chair, and then the bed was moved against the wall. Only one problem, there was no room for the dresser. His roommate came up with the idea of placing the dresser in front of their door. They would then use the bathroom to exit from the room that was located to the right of the bed.

"That's a fire hazard", I blurted out, quickly voicing to my parental concern. "You need to leave that door accessible. "I've got an idea", replied Sam. "We'll wait until the 'RA' (Resident Administrator) sees the room, then we'll move it.

"I think it's time to go", said my wife, as the three students stared us down.

Reluctantly, I agreed. But we stopped in town to have some lunch before heading back home and ordered two pizzas to be delivered to their dorm; Parents, go figure.

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September 2004 - And So It Begins Again - His Tenth Month at College

The first time we heard Sam on his own college radio show, we were stunned. For someone who hates small talk, and whose conversation on the phone with me usually entails, "Hey dad", I was gratified to learn that some of the things my wife and I taught him apparently stuck. But don't tell him that.

The technology today allows the show to be broadcast over the Internet through a service called Shoutcast. I was amazed to learn that anyone who can provide a server and PC can have their own radio show broadcast - www.shoutcast.com. But to listen to the show, you need to have software such as Winamp that allows you to receive MP3 files, which is the way the signal is broadcast to your PC.

The 'splash page' for the school's radio show has a grid format; with the time of day along the left hand column, the day of the week along the top, and the students who are the DJ's at the intersections. If you click on their names, it tells you the type of music they play. At the top of the page are the words 'Listen In'. If you click on that it opens up the software Winamp that allows you to hear the show. I had to download a copy of Winamp (www.winamp.com); it's free. It took me a few minutes to download and install, and I was listening to him in seconds.

You can send an instant message to the show, or call in with requests. Between songs Sam and his co-host discuss music, politics, or anything they want. The only problem is at any given time maybe three people are listening. College radio stations don't traditionally have big audiences.

This year, Sam's show is on Saturday evening between seven and nine. Most people would assume that's a terrible time. That's because they haven't been away at school. Time has a different format, sleep depravation is rampant, and coherency is defined by the amount of classes you don't fall asleep at.

Next month, family weekend is coming up again. I made reservations for my wife, my daughter and myself. But there is one potential problem. If the Yankees get to the World Series this year, assuming they get past the Minnesota Twins and the Boston Red Sox, he wants to go to game one of the World Series at Yankee Stadium.

Now, I'm not a season ticket holder, so I either have to get the seats on the Internet, or go through a ticket broker. I went on-line and randomly chose two or three ticket brokers that deal with sports and the average price of a decent seat is $1000. That's not going to happen. I told him the best seat in the house is right of front of a nice size television. I don't think he was amused.

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October 2004 - Our Furry Friends - His Eleventh Month at College

If most of you didn't hear by now, we had a funeral in New York this month. The curse ended and the Boston Red Sox, the hated Boston Red Sox beat my beloved New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series. And if there is any good that comes out of this, it's that I won't have to disappoint Sam regarding the World Series tickets he craved. There won't be any World Series in New York this year. We have this October off.

This month was family weekend.

We drove up on the morning of October 25th, and parked at the base of Sam's dorm. We arrived at 1:30, but when we called Sam on his cell phone, he mumbled something and we realized we had awoken him. We forgot for a moment it was Saturday, and Saturday for Sam is hibernation day. He usually goes to sleep around 3 A.M., and sleeps until two in the afternoon.

His alarm clock on Saturday differs from the one used during the week. It's usually some sort of crusty college cuisine that begins to violently decompose under his body. He awakens quickly, and runs off to the bathroom for his daily purge. Tall tales surround Sam's marathon purging exploits. He has been known to spend more than a full day relieving his body of fine college delicacies - surprise meet sandwiches, and Lo Mein, without the Lo and without the Mein.

When Sam finally did arrive, he gave me a big bear hug and I think gave me a fourth herniated disk. I spent the next two hours walking like Quasi Motto. Sam, my wife and daughter and I then went into the seven-store town near the college and happened upon a deli, the only one in town. It had a wait of at least a half hour. Then I made the ultimate faux pas. I proclaimed in my loud Brooklyn voice, "I'm not waiting here, it's crowded."

My son and daughter quickly left, too embarrassed to ever be seen with me again.

So we went to a restaurant clear across town. But of course, that was only two blocks away, but far enough to calm their embarrassment.

Sam then told us the story of the squirrel and the muffin.

There once was this squirrel that wanted to have a good education in a university in upstate New York. He was a good squirrel, from a good family, but as fate would have it, his SAT scores were low and so the squirrel was left out in the cold. Only this squirrel was lucky because the school that had so indiscriminately looked down upon him, had forgotten to install a new fangeled device, called screens. Yes screens, those things that go behind windows that most third world countries have been using for 300 years - but unfortunately have not found their way into universities whose tuition exceeds $20,000 dollars a year.

Mr. Squirrel, as Sam calls him, seems to appear sporadically in his dorm, sometimes running under doors, and sometimes hiding out in garbage cans. But lets get to that muffin.

One day this month, Sam's roommates entered their room and followed traces of a muffin down their desk and onto the floor. Either a hungry student had broken in, or that Squirrel fellow had had a late night snack while brushing up on a second try to bolster his SAT scores. We'll never know.

The following week I asked Sam if he or his dorm mates had called the maintenance department to replace the missing screens. Let's say I wasn't shocked when he said no. But in my heart I hope it's because Sam believes that his school is need blind, and even Squirrels should be included in the mix.

After all, why can't we all get along?

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November 2004 - The Long Road - His Twelfth Month at College

Entering his twelfth month of college, we finally seemed to be getting a handle on the college experience. Somehow, things have worked out relatively well.

Sam hasn't quit school.

He doesn't hate his roommates.

He hasn't decided that his parents have caused all the problems he's encountered in life.

And personally, my wife and I haven't run out of money.

But just when things have finally fallen into place, my daughter informs me that this is the year she starts to drive.

And she doesn't want to go to the college my son goes to because there's no shopping in the area.

And she wants me to buy here a pair of Uggs.

And she doesn't like her bedroom furniture because I bought it for her when she was three.

And she needs new curtains and shades in her room.

And she wants a computer of her own because all of her friends have that.

And why did I eat the left over Chinese food.

And why was I born.

Okay.

I'll take the last one back.

November was of course Thanksgiving and on the Wednesday before I drove the 195 miles up to the University to bring Sam home for the break. The trip has become familiar to me by now and what at first seemed troublesome and distant has become comfortable and familiar.

The great length of the trip extends up Route 17 in New York State. From there, a host of local roads crisscross and traverse until finally arriving at the University. There's serenity in the trip, a calm note that plays softly for me each time I travel it.

There's a town called Deposit, New York where I exit from Route 17 to get onto Route 8/10. There's an old gas station that sells gas at 1.59/gallon. I keep telling people it's the cheapest gas in New York State but I've never stopped there, and I'm not quite sure they're even open for business. I think by stopping there it'll lose the allure.

There's an old grain barn on Route 8, its structure weather battered, seemingly ready to topple over, and held in place by years of use. It sits across from a stately farmhouse. Each time I pass the barn I wonder why it hasn't been painted in years, or even torn down. It occurred to me that much like the riddle, does a tree make noise if it has fallen in a forest and no one's there, why paint a barn that no one really notices? The grain doesn't seem to mind.

Route 10/8 becomes Route 8 and there seems to be an endless view of pastoral richness, dairy farms and grain fields, tree farms and cows, horses and old trucks. On the days when the air is brisk, and the weather clear, there is a certain euphoria that I feel. I usually open the driving window an inch or two, just to feel a sharp breeze tap my forehead.

There's a group of seven windmills that appears just before a sharp turn. Each has a thin base and three arms. Its surroundings are barren and in an odd sense have an alien feel to them because they seem to arise out of nowhere. My guess is they're used to generate local power.

When I turn off of Route 8, I make a left onto Route 23 West. There's a small antique store there and it seems as though the same man is always sitting outside the store whenever I pass. The store is old and railroad tracks sit right before it. The road within the town winds, with local stores and old houses. Some have great wear from years of snow, ice and rain; some are freshly painted.

When you make these trips three or four times a year, the scenes and people become frozen in time. Returning along a barren road where you saw a red fox three months before, you expect to see one a month later. And it's disappointing when you don't. The long trip hasn't shortened with time. But when the last turn is made, and I've left the last local road, I see the best site of all - The University where my son awaits.

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December 2004 - Foreign Studies - His Thirteenth Month at College

Finals Month.

'Care packages' are delivered in different ways to students.

The local fire department in the town near Sam's University accepts donations that are then translated into well-created fruit and juice packages.

We usually go this route but because we were late this month, we used the local deli who had sent a brochure through the school crammed with a whole assortment of care packages. They even have their own web site that I happily used and off went Sam's care package just in time for his finals.

Its not that he was starving to death, but I think the packages bring students closer to home when studying = food.

A subject of great excitement arose this month because Sam has been given the opportunity to study overseas. Many of the Universities we had looked into have these sort of programs and I don't think most students make their decisions based on them. But when the opportunities do arise, they can certainly be exciting.

Sam's University calls them Off-Campus Study Programs.

They fall into three areas.

1. Universities sponsored programs - overseas programs that comprise eighteen study groups each year;
   
2. Affiliated programs - programs sponsored by other universities in contractual agreement with Sam's school, and
3. Foreign studies - the ability to study at foreign universities and foreign study programs.

Sam decided on pursuing the Universities sponsored programs and chose two specific ones:

• Studying in London, England, or
• Studying in Venice, Italy.

I should have such a problem.

Each presents a different attraction to him, although he did mention how excited he was when during his interview for the Italian program he was told that one of the field trips they take is to Pompeii.

He was accepted to the England program but was put on a waiting list for Italy because he had applied after the deadline. The instructor told Sam that he would put him at the top of the list and if anyone were to change their mind, he would have the opportunity to enter the program. .

The interviews were pretty general in nature. I think one of it's purposes was to make sure that the student was responsible and serious about the program.

After the interview for England, Sam called home and said he froze after the teacher had asked him who his favorite 19th century English author was. I though about it when he called us but the only one who came to mind was Charles Dickens.

Some of the courses Sam will be taking in London are British Literature, Shakespeare, and the London Theater. There will also be field trips to such places as Oxford and Stratford. Classes will be held at a local university near the British Museum. Sam's university will make arrangements for students to stay in affordable flats in London.

Sounds good.

If Sam is accepted to and decides on the Venice trip, his courses will be vastly different.

The courses offered would be the Italian language, The Arts of Venice during the Golden Age, The Archaeology of Italy, and the Italian Opera. And regarding field trips, Venice has a plethora of museums and rich culture to explore.

The last time I was in Venice was in the summer 0f 1973 when I spent ten weeks back packing through Europe. I remember the canals in Venice were extremely dirty but that was before they had them dredged. But the everlasting impression everyone has of Venice is the gondola - the driver standing at the back, moving that long oar.

And a man and woman, lying in the gondola while being serenaded by soft Italian music.

I think I'll speak to my son about the English program. It's definitely better suited for him.

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Late December 2004 - Mid January 2005 - Winter Recess - Coming Soon