The Parents Page

Our Son Is Off To College

by Barry Simmons

Due to the many inquiry's we've been receiving regarding the college experience, we've started a monthly newsletter following the trials and tribulations of our family's first experience with sending our oldest child Sam off to college. For those of you who will be doing that soon, it may be helpful, or it may scare you to death. Or it may do both.

Where we begin: It's early August and Sam will be heading off to college at the end of the month. This is where our story begins. Follow us along month by month as we perform the ultimate sacrifice as parents, letting go of our children.

Early August 2003 - The Dorm Buying Spree

My wife spent every waking hour in Bed Bath and Beyond (A chain store that sells home products). She had those 20% off coupons that kept coming in the mail. We thought it was because we were such good customers, but when we got to the store every person had ten of those same coupons in their hands. The staff called themselves the College Bound Experts, although most of the sales staff was under twenty-five, so we weren't too sure what they were experts in. Now I'm not sure what type of shoppers you are when shopping with your spouse, but in our family, my wife is in charge of what she thinks is important, and I'm in charge of the really important things (she doesn't know I'm writing this...shhh...). Okay, so my wife put me in charge of electronics. Don't laugh.

So while she was busy buying unimportant items, such as bed covers, sheets, pillows, towels, and bathroom supplies, I spent two hours deciding which surge protector to buy Sam. You never know if there's going to be a major lightening storm at the school. Although this seemed unimportant to her at first, after I pointed out the multiple ports that this electronic wizard had, she was so taken back, she just stood there silently, too moved to speak. I could tell she was in awe. And everything seemed to be going fine, when I made 'the' mistake - the 'mother' of all mistakes. Something a man just can't do. I commented on something my wife bought Sam - A 16-piece set of everyday silverware for his dorm room. I tried to explain to her that it's just not cool for an 18-year old guy to have silverware in his dorm room. He's not going to wash it. He doesn't know how to use Brillo. And it's just not right for a first year freshman to wash silverware. My wife peered deeply into my eyes - like a Tiger ready to attack its prey. The silence was deafening. I should have realized. I had her at surge protector.

The next stop in our crusade to fill his dorm with more items than we have at home was The Container Store (A store that sells all types of containers). More college bound experts (Why is everybody an expert?). It's true that this store has a lot of very important items, but did we need every one? They sell these plastic units on wheels that have stackable drawers. The kind you find in Walmart or Kmart. So we bought him a narrow one to hold his school supplies and CD(s), then a wide one to store his sweaters, shirts and extra bed sheets. But we stayed away from the custom made hangers. My wife thought they were essential, but at five dollars a dozen, I decided to round up about 100 old wire hangers we had in our closets. And she thinks all I'm good for is electronics.

Let's continue. We bought him a small wooden dryer, large plastic units to slide under his bed, and hooks to place over his door. And let's not forget the lint roller. My wife bought him a lint roller. A lint roller! Okay, so it's Saturday night, and he invites his first group of friends into his dorm room. But before they come in, he runs into the closet, pulls out the lint roller, and touches up his sweater. I don't think so. But I didn't make the same mistake I did with the silverware. I said, "Wow!" And then said, "Wow!" again. After being married for 19 years, I think I've finally gotten the hang of it.

Next stop on our travels through insanity - Staples (A chain store that sells stationery supplies). It's amazing how some parents think they must buy their child everything, right down to the stationary supplies. Can you imagine, not treating them as the adults they've become? But that's exactly what I did. I bought Sam so many stationary supplies, he opened up a side business in his dorm selling pens and pencils. I bought him not one, but three types of Wite Out. You know, the type that brushes on with that weird applicator, the new advanced one that look's like a pen, and the old fashioned one that always gets clogged up. Also, everything is sold in dozens. I got him a dozen erasers, a dozen pens, a dozen boxes of paper clips, and even a dozen rolls of scotch tape. A dozen rolls! Remember when a dozen rolls were what you got at the bakery on Sunday morning.

Let's continue on this credit card nightmare. The Saturday before we took Sam to his college, my wife decided he needed an area carpet for the dorm. A what? An area carpet? I don't have an area carpet in my bedroom, but she told me his feet would get cold when he got up in the morning. I told her to by him some warm socks. Actually I didn't. (Remember the silverware). Let's continue. I needed to find an area rug. And I needed to impress my wife. So I went off to a place where I knew they sold fine broadloom. I went to Home Depot. And I walked over to their fine carpet section. All carpets here, $19.99. That sounded 'fine' to me. But I had to call my wife and explain to her in great detail what the carpet looked like. "Hi. I'm standing by their fine Berber line and I'm viewing their large assortment", I said, looking randomly around the store. "And over here", I said while looking at some gray stained carpets, "I see their upscale wool line." But I could tell by the tone of her voice that she didn't trust my taste, so I walked through the store and searched out some more surge protectors.

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Late August 2003 - Last minute preparations

During the last two weeks of August, my usually stoic wife, the rock of our family, suddenly realized that the little boy who18 years before arrived on a warm July day, was leaving the nest. The only home he has known. And for the next two weeks, she cried at the oddest moments.

One Saturday morning, while shopping in the supermarket and doing our usual 'squeezing of the fruit', tears rolled down her eyes and she started to sob. At first I thought she had squirted grape juice in her eyes. You know how when you get to the red and green grapes, a major decision ensues as to which grapes to squeeze. So you begin squeezing them all.

There she was crying. And I became emotional as well. If my wife was crying, the rock of our family, it must really be sad. So I started to cry as well. A woman standing by us came over to ask if everything was okay. When we told her our story, I guess it really hit home because two years before her oldest daughter went off to college.

She told us how wonderful she was doing, then took a deep breath, and began to cry as well. The manager of the produce section came running over and asked all of us if there was something wrong with the fruit. It certainly was an odd moment.

August 26th. The night before D-day. My wife had been washing Sam's clothes for two days. I wasn't sure why, because I knew once he got up there, laundry would not be a major concern of his. One of the most critical things you must do before sending your child off to school is to give them laundry lessons. Without sounding like a chauvinist, it's probably more important if you have a son.

The only time Sam ever went near the washing machine was when I needed him to lift it, so I could place a piece of wood under it to stabilize it. So my wife walked him through the process of filling the machine with water, putting in the soap, then placing the clothes evenly around the drum so the machine wouldn't jam when it started to agitate.

In great detail, she reviewed the laws of separating whites from darks, and removing any clothes that were silk - like he has silk clothes - and one's whose labels read dry clean only. It was a well laid out lesson plan, with nothing left to the imagination.

When she looked up, Sam had run upstairs to watch the Yankee game, but I had learned a lot about how to wash our clothes - so much for the laundry lesson.

The talk. The night before we left, it was finally time to sit down and speak with Sam. Over the past 18 years, it was my wife's job to handle some of the smaller chores involved in raising Sam. She was the caregiver. Many nights she sat with him when he had a fever. She planned and cooked the meals. She signed him up for soccer, basketball, baseball, and tennis. She was a class mother, worked for three PTA's, ran functions in the schools, and bought his clothes.

I bought the Yankee tickets for us and was his little league coach. I think that's pretty even (No comments please).

This was my shining moment, the night that every father waits for. The talk the night before your oldest child goes off to college.

"Son", I said, brimming with years of wisdom. "It's time the two of us had that talk."

"Dad", he said, "You must be kidding," and walked out of the room, shaking his head all the way.

Last minute items. Another important thing you should do before sending your child up to school is open up a joint checking account with a parent or guardian as a cosigner with an ATM card. Most 18 year olds have never used a checking account, and being away from home, access to cash from an ATM can be a lifesaver. It will also teach your young student the responsibilities of using a checking account.

Some universities have ATM's right on campus. Here's some good advice. Find out which banks own those machines and set up the account with one of those banks. Most students will not be writing out checks, but they will use the ATM cards quite a bit. Using ATM's not owned by the bank you have the account with will give you extra ATM fees. Many times, the bank that issues the card will charge a fee, and the bank that owns the machine will charge a fee as well. Every time a withdrawal is made, the fees can add up to $4.00 or more.

Many banks offer student checking accounts as well, and will give you free checking for the first year. Shop around and find the best deal.

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Late August 2003 - D-Day - The Drive Up to College

D-Day.

Our son is leaving.

After all we've done for him.

All those sleepless nights my wife had when he had his ear infections.

All those Saturday trips to Toys R Us buying him every toy ever invented.

All those birthday parties in our backyard

The ten years I coached little league.

All the class trips my wife went on.

The night I stayed up until a quarter to five in the morning working on his cardboard suspension bridge.

And all those October evenings Sam and I spent in the upper deck at Yankee Stadium.

And this is how he repays us.

By running away from home and going to college.

I think there is a part in all of us that feels like that. This was the first time that our family unit had been separated and the dynamics of the family do change. But I'll talk about that in another chapter.

Back to the drive.

One of the advantages of owning a mini-van is it's pretty much like owning a U-Haul if you're able to either remove the seats or have one where the seats fold down flat. We have a Dodge Caravan, so we removed the middle and back seats and had plenty of room to fit all of Sam's items.

The plan was that I would ride there with Sam in the van, and my wife would follow in our other car with our daughter.

It was the typical morning we always have when going on a trip. I was running around packing the car, my wife was dealing with our daughter's clothes decisions (don't ask), and Sam was adding the 1200th song to his IPOD. (For those of you who don't know what an IPOD is, it's a small white Walkman looking unit with a built in hard drive in which you can record thousands of songs). I didn't want to disturb his loading of Led Zeppelin (Sam actually listens to some of the same music that I do), so I packed the car myself.

Then the moment came - when Sam would be leaving the nest. I was fully prepared to console him. My wife and I were ready to use all of our parental training to ease his departure from the safety of our home to the unknown road he would soon travel. Standing in front our of home I thought about all those times I had prepared him for his next step in life. I looked up, Sam came down the steps, IPOD in hand, turned, and then said, "Can we go already?"

Oh well.

Sam's school is about four hours from our house. So we decided to drive up the day before because he had to begin checking in at about 8:30 in the morning. Now naturally if the college your child is going to is close by there's no need to make overnight reservations, but if your child is going to a school that is quite a distance from your home like Sam's is, it's important that you make reservations as far in advance as possible. In fact, as soon as your child has chosen and accepted a school, find out either from their web site or by calling the school any dates in which you'll be traveling to the school.

The three major dates for most schools are arrival date, family weekend and graduation. I was shocked when trying to make reservations for family weekend that most of the motels and bed and breakfasts within driving distance of the college were booked for four years. And many of them had waiting lists of 50 to 100 families. When I called, many of them said to me, "Your child must be a freshman," because I had waited so long to call.

What some families do when they find a motel or bed and breakfast that they like is to make reservations for all the critical dates for the next four years. Of course, that's assuming the dates are available from the college. The point is, don't delay.

And while we're on the subject of driving, this may be a good opportunity to broach the subject that is a real sticking point with many incoming freshman. Should your child have a car at the college during freshman year? Some universities, in fact one of the state schools that Sam was accepted to, don't allow freshman to keep a car at the school. So if you're in that situation it's a moot point. Some students I've spoken to who are attending large universities actually drive to their classes. And some universities offer shuttle buses between classes.

The school Sam attends is in an area where the winters are brutally cold. We were told that during most mornings in the dead of winter, many students have to start their cars or else run the risk of having their tanks freeze, making starting difficult. Some students actually bring their cars home during the Thanksgiving break for this reason.

But putting aside these or any other issues, if you're able to afford a car for your child, which these days has become quite difficult, use common sense. You know your child. Don't feel pressured into getting them a car if you feel the responsibilities involved with having a car coupled with first year scholastic pressures are something you think they're not ready for. In other words, err on the side of caution.

Back to our trip.

Sam's school is in the middle of cornfields in upstate New York. While driving on one of the local roads, we had to make one stop at a cow crossing, and then got stuck behind a tractor for thirty minutes. You could tell Sam was thrilled with these surroundings because he was absolutely speechless. In fact, at one point, he was so taken back he said, "I can't believe this is where my school is." The best way I can describe his reaction was a look of disbelief came over him.

We stayed in the most famous hotel in the town, with a history that goes back over two hundred years. Of course, there are only two hotels in the town - one famous, and one pretty famous. Breakfast was eventful. It took two hours for us to get served. I guess that expression 'he can holler till the cows come home' is true because I did holler and it didn't make much of a difference. I suddenly realized we're not in Kansas anymore.

Just a two-minute drive from the hotel brought us to the college. There we were directed to a large field that had the capacity to fit all of the incoming freshman's family vehicles. There, upper classmen awaited us. We unloaded our vehicles and placed Sam's duffle bags, lamps, carpets, etc. on the grass. As soon as we made sure all the items were properly tagged with the dorm room number, the upper classmen hoisted them onto trucks and delivered all the items to the assigned dorms. From there they carried the items right up to the room. It went surprisingly well.

Then the moment arrived. My wife, son, daughter and myself took an elevator up to the third floor to his dorm room. Now you have to understand I have never experienced dorm life. My wife and I both went to city colleges and lived at home. So this was all very exciting to us.

So when we walked into the dorm......

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Late August - The Dorm Room

Growing up in New York City in the early to mid sixties, my friends and I used to do something called ranking each other out. Examples of these were, "I'll rank you so low, you'll have to look up to look down." And the most popular one in Brooklyn, " I'll rank you so low you'll be playing handball on the curb." How's this one. "I'll rank you so low your child will be sleeping in a room the size of a shoe box and call it a college dorm."

Define claustrophobia; walking into a college dorm room for the first time.

Let's look at this in a different light. Remember John Glen's flight in the Mercury capsule around the earth? That was a hotel palace compared to Sam's dorm room.

But to really put things into perspective, Sam also has a roommate.

We all arrived at the same time - Sam and his roommate, my wife and myself, my daughter and both of his roommate's parents. We were all only able to stand inside the room for a few minutes because we kept banging into each other each time we turned around. Then as we brought in all their belongings, it was like that scene in a Marx Brothers movie when all of those people are filing into a small room on a ship. Even Harpo would have had trouble maneuvering in this microscopic space.

The room is 10' X 14'. As you walk in, the left side of the room is identical to the right side, with the furniture being reversed. Each student has an 80" captain's bed. Below each bed are four pull out draws to store linens, comforters and pillows. On one side of the bed is a storage closet, with shelves on one side, and a closet pole and shelves on the other.

Against the other side of the bed is a desk. It's 48" long, 24" deep and has a small shelving unit towards the back to hold books, papers, CD's, etc.

At the end of the room, on the center of the wall is the window. The saving grace is that the window has a large sill, large enough to hold a 13" television, which is exactly what the two boys placed there.

And now it was time to bring in all of the items that my wife and I had purchased for Sam with great attention to detail. We had researched each item, each one having a distinct purpose. This was his first experience living away from home and there was much thought that went into all of our decisions. So here we go.

The refrigerator. The refrigerator was bigger than his room. The only place to put it was in front of the window, but that would block the television and they wouldn't be able to either open or look out the window. So we decided that had to come back with us. We placed it in the hall.

Two types of rolling shelves. No room. He would have to use the shelves in the closet. We placed them in the hall.

The wooden dryer. Forget it. No room. When we opened it, the boys couldn't walk around the room. We placed it in the hall.

Two under the bed draws. Didn't need them. He had captain's draws under the bed. We placed them in the hall.

A canvas-hanging shelf. No room in the closet. We placed it in the hall.

Yaffa blocks. No room. We placed them in the hall.

Giant bed pillow. Not cool. Sam said take it back. He placed it in the hall.

Bed elevator lifts. Didn't need them. We placed them in the hall.

5' X 8" carpet. The room was already carpeted. We dragged it into the hall.

Four parents and a sister in the way. The boys placed us in the hall.

The list does go on.

What's the lesson here? If it's at all possible, see the dorm room in person before purchasing any items. Also, make sure you keep all of your receipts and try to purchase items where you don't get hassled returning them.

We purchased most of our items at three stores - Bed Bath and Beyond, Staples, and the Container Store. Each one of them was pretty geared up to handle college bound students items and gave us absolutely no hassles when returning the items.

What are the key items your child will need? - A computer and a computer printer.

The PC has become the lifeblood of the college student. Regardless of how many PC(s) the college has, there is nothing more critical than providing a PC for your child. It's also important that you bundle the PC with essential office tools that your child will be using over the four years in college.

When I purchased his PC, I had it loaded with Excel, Word, and Powerpoint. These are basic software tools that your child will definitely use at some point over the four years. I would suggest a processing speed of at least 2.66 MHz and a hard drive of at least 80 GB. You may think 80 GB is an enormous amount of space, but the kids today like downloading movies, they do that in college you know, and the graphics do take up an enormous amount of space. (Sam told me to tell you that).

It's also a very good idea to purchase an LCD flat panel screen. The students are very tight on space and although I'm not thrilled with the resolution of the flat screens when compared with the traditional monitors, the additional space is well worth the tradeoff. And of course a laptop is becoming the computer of choice for many students because of its portability.

Regarding Sam's roommate and his parents, we all introduced ourselves and it was obvious from the very beginning that the two were a good match. The college had sent home a questionnaire months before asking each student to describe in detail their own living habits. What type of music do you like? How late do you like to sleep? Would you prefer a non-smoking dorm? Some dorms are rated as nonsmoking, some as substance free dorms. I'm not sure what substance free means. I can't imagine some dorms being rated as substance dorms. Make your own conclusions. Do you enjoy sports? Do you prefer a single room, a double, a triple or a quad?

The school then does it's best to match students.

Sam was lucky.

And so was his roommate.

So the parents and the sister took the subtle hints from the students, "Mom and Dad, you can leave now," and decided to take advantage of a presentation one of the school administrators was giving in the main auditorium for the parents. As it turned out, it was just what we needed. The discussion revolved around telling us what a wonderful job we had done raising our children and bringing them to this point in their life.

We all went to the school cafeteria after that and realized that education is everything and food was not that important.

Then it was time to leave. We all went back to the dorm. The boys had an orientation to attend. My wife said her good-byes. Our daughter jumped into Sam's arms and hugged her brother like she always does. Then I hugged Sam. He turned to walk towards the auditorium. And I sat down on a large rock and cried.

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September 2003 - Settling In - His First Month at College

The first three calls we received from Sam regarded problems he had doing his laundry. We seem to forget, although they've been doing schoolwork since the first grade, doing laundry is a new experience for most of them. My wife got on the phone and gave Sam an emergency refresher course as he stood in the dorm's laundry room, cell phone in one hand, detergent and clothes in the other.

It brought back memories of my own when I had first moved out of my parents' house and rented an apartment in Queens, New York. I had washed my whites with a red sweatshirt and all of my white T-shirts came out pink. In a panic, I called my mother who told me "always have the savior at hand" - the king at resolving laundry discoloration's, BLEACH. So I went to the local store and bought three gallons of bleach. And each time I did my laundry I overdosed on bleach just to play it safe. Within three months, my clothes had literally disintegrated.

So I interrupted the call between my wife and son and told my wife to be wary of telling him to use Bleach. After all, my experience with Bleach had been a disaster. But she kept waving me off with an annoyed look on her face. I stepped into the next room and paced the floor. But as the minutes went by and their conversation continued, all the clothes we had purchased for Sam were on their way to mortal Hell.

Finally, I heard the phone receiver being placed back into its cradle. I rushed into the room and proclaimed with a vengeance, "I've used Bleach and it's an evil product. It destroyed all of my clothes." To which my wife replied, "I just told him to use cold water."

One of the amazing things that happen when your child ventures out into the world is the subtle changes that occur when they are left to make their own decisions. Sam is a relatively quiet person. So when my wife and I found out he had not only joined the school's radio station, but was now a DJ and had his own one hour spot where he hosts his own Jazz show, we were floored.

Not known for his gift of gab, he does his one-hour spot each week, even though he says he doubts anyone is listening at 11:00 in the morning. What does this do for him? It gives him a crash course in the workings of a radio station and allows him to have his own voice. It's important that he realizes that he has a voice that matters. What better venue can an eighteen year old have then playing the music he loves, and making decisions on the tone and the direction of the show.

With all this in mind, my wife and I spoke to Sam after his first radio show and were excited to hear how Sam had grown. We were looking forward to him talking about all the intricacies of a radio station and how he reacted to becoming a celebrity on campus. So we formulated some questions. "As soon as the show was over, how many students called? Did they like your selection of music? What changes will you make in the next show?"

And Sam said. "Dad, how'd the Yankees do today?"

One of the nice things Sam's college offers all students is a debit card that can be used throughout the campus, and even in the surrounding town. We initially funded the card using the money Sam had made working at a summer camp. When he was paid at the end of the summer, I deposited his check into my own checking account, and then transferred it to the debit card the day school started.

This accomplished many goals. It help provide funds for all his books for the year, funds for the washer and dryer in his in-dorm laundry room, and spending money for many stores in the local town. He simply swipes the card at most of these facilities. The college has done a very nice job in providing that this debit card can be used at nearly every venue that the students need and want to spend money.

The dynamics of the house change when the first child goes off to college. And it was especially tough on me because it used to be my son and myself, my wife and my daughter - two males, two females. Sam would act as a buffer against our daughter who has now reached her teen years. But without our son around, I've discovered certain things about myself through the astute wisdom of a fourteen-year-old girl.

I have no idea how to dress myself. I wear ugly clothes and I have the world's ugliest body. My head is too large. When I wear shorts, I look like Humpty Dumpty. I snore too loud. I eat with my mouth open and chew very loudly. I have hair growing out of my nose and ears. I've been wearing the same brand of sneakers for ten years. And why do I refuse to buy a third pair of jeans?

And my wife, my daughter told me she's perfect.

Oh God, when's our son coming home...

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October 2003 - Family Weekend - His Second Month at College

Not that I'm spying, but one of the benefits that Sam's college provides is allowing on-line access to the student's college debit card. This way parents can make sure the debit card is properly funded and the student has the funds necessary for books, laundry and other essentials. You can add to the debit card using a credit card, and also transfer funds from the student's tuition account in case there happens to be a surplus.

Sam's account is typical of most students - Eleven A.M.- vending machine - $1.25; Two P.M. - vending machine - $1.25; Five P.M. - vending machine - $1.25. My first thought, how does Sam have time to go to class? And more importantly, is he eating Snickers Bars or Milky Ways? Oh yes, there were a couple of trips to the laundry room and the bookstore thrown in.

Now that he's settled at college, it might be a good time to talk about the advantages and disadvantages of dorm room arrangements. Ending up with the right roommate or roommates can help make your child's transition to university life an enjoyable and rewarding experience. And by the 'right' roommates, we mean a person or persons who respect your child's space and privacy. They don't have to be great friends, and in many cases, that may offer certain advantages.

On the other hand, having the 'wrong' roommate can be disastrous. We know of two freshman students, each in different universities, who have ended up with roommates who have made their life 'difficult' in their first year. One student is in a double; the other is in a quad. A quad is a dorm that is often a suite. It's two bedrooms, and a common room that is typically used as the common area where the television, refrigerator, and microwave would be. Normally, there are four students sharing the quad.

Sam's first choice was to stay in a quad because of the common area, but he ended up in a double. Many students who spent their first year in a double say that the double offers one main advantage over the more spacious quad; something that is not obvious to the incoming freshman.

My nephew, who graduated from Wharton, said that when you're in a double, you tend to spend more time mingling with other students on the floor because of the lack of a common area. That's exactly what Sam found. He developed some very good friendships with students on his floor.

So keep that in mind when deciding on the preferred dorm room accommodations.

Every once in a while, your child will give you an unexpected surprise. And ours was Columbus Day weekend. My wife and I were sitting in our family room, watching some mindless television program - I need mindless programs after working all day - when there was a knock at the front door. At first we couldn't tell who it was because all we saw was a giant laundry bag.

Suddenly, the giant laundry bag fell to the ground, and there was our son. My wife started to scream. I started to scream. My daughter started to scream. Then Sam started to scream. Yes, we were the screaming family.

There's something inherent in college students about coming home and bringing their laundry. It must be the laundry detergent we use; Tide, with no perfumes or dyes. And it must be that my wife uses laundry secrets handed down to her from her mother, because why else would my Sam, coming home just for the weekend, drag a ninety pound bag of laundry well over two hundred miles.

It is one of the great mysteries of the freshman college experience.

The third week of October brought Family Weekend. We had been waiting for this time since we left Sam at school. The college Sam goes to set up a series of programs for parents and students, running the gamut from academic lectures to providing tickets to that day's football game.

Some of the local restaurants in town also got involved. One in particular offered a clambake on Saturday night, and the local bookstore had a book signing by a former student who is now a prominent news broadcaster.

My wife, daughter and myself drove up on a Friday night and had arranged to meet Sam at his dorm at 10:00 in the morning for a brunch. We arrived at his dorm right on time. I took an elevator up to his room, knocked on the door, and as the door opened, there stood Sam, bleary eyed, dressed in his college pajamas (I'll leave it at that) with the look of don't tell me it's family weekend. "I'll be right out dad," he said, yawning.

We had brunch at a local hotel while Sam brought us up to date on his college experiences. This was one of those special moments. All those years of raising him and now we finally had a chance to listen in on his entrance into academia. "So", I said eagerly, "Tell us about college life."

"It's good Dad, could you please pass the soda?" Oh well.

After brunch, we walked around the local town, saw a movie at the only movie theater in town, and had pizza for dinner. We decided to bypass the $75 per person clambake (A little steep).

Now this just happened to be the weekend the Yankees were playing the Marlins in the World Series. What luck. Just like old times. We'll go back to our hotel and I'll be able to watch the series with my son.

But while eating pizza, he informed us that he had already made arrangements to watch the Series with his friends at the dorm.

SHOT DOWN....

A sobering experience; I was no longer the main Yankee guy. I was now the father of that young man in college.

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November 2003 - His Third Month at College

The long held concepts of night and day, weekday and weekend cease to exist at college. Studying for an exam on a Saturday night, something that was not acceptable for him while in high school has now become routine. Unfortunately, his rescheduled day has now become ours.

Thursday night, November 13, 2003, 12:30 a.m. Our telephone rings. My first thought; is someone in the family sick, or worse, has someone died?

"Hey Dad," announces my son, clueless as to the time. "Did you catch Letterman tonight? I was studying for my International Relations exam and couldn't stop laughing." "No," I replied, bleary eyed, trying to understand what was so funny about International Relations." Is there something you need?"

"Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you Dad?" he asked, slightly apologetic. "Of course not," I replied, "Your mom and I never go to bed before 1 a.m."

"Good," replied Sam, now gaining steam as my wife and I began losing consciousness. "Can you take a look at the essay I just wrote?" "Sure, just e-mail it and I'll send you my comments."

Barely conscious, I stumble out of bed, and begin the pilgrimage to my office down the hall.

It's now 12:50 a.m.

Stumbling down the hallway, I make my way to my office and plunk down on my desk chair. The chair rolls backward and runs over my left big toe. I am in pain. I am now semiconscious and in pain.

I turn on my computer, and wait more than ten minutes before my screen has arrived at the main desktop. Bill Gates has decided that Windows XP shouldn't be any faster than two snails in a foot race.

It's now 1:00 a.m.

I finally open my e-mail.

But I find it difficult to read at 1:00 a.m. The light from my office lamp seems more like the blazing sun on a sweltering summer day. I begin to squint. I am now semiconscious, squinting, and have a painful big left toe.

I persevere, and the e-mail finally comes into focus.

Sam's note to me reads, "Dad, just a short essay. Could you please read it thoroughly, and make some general comments. It's due 9 o'clock in the morning."

I open Sam's essay, which he sent as a Word attachment. It reads, "The Effects of International Relations on Aspiring Democratic Nations."

It's ten pages long.

I put my head down on my desk, and softly whimper. I'm too tired to cry.

One of the great advantages of the Internet is it allows you to stay in touch with your child; not only exchanging e-mail's and photos, but also easily allowing you to provide any assistance relating to their academic work. Something as simple as proof reading one of their essays can go a long way in relieving their first year college jitters.

The third week in November brought Thanksgiving. Initially, Sam was going to get a ride home with a friend, but the timing didn't work, so Sam was without a ride. I called the school and was informed that they had an alumni club in our area that arranged bus transportation during holidays.

Former students volunteered their time to make arrangements by taking phone calls from parents to arrange payment and distribute tickets to the students right at the school. It worked like a charm. I called the number I was given, and spoke to an alumnus at his place of business. That night I sent a check to the address I was given and two days later Sam received the tickets in his school mail box.

The bus dropped him off in the parking lot of a major department store about twenty-five minutes from our house on the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving, and picked him up for the return trip on the following Sunday afternoon. It was surprisingly easy to arrange, and saved my wife and myself what would have been an eight hour round trip on both of those days.

Now that I've taken you this far in my story, I'm going to digress a bit, and talk about college bills. We get a bill each month from the university. If you've received a financial aid package, it may be a combination of a university need-based grant, Pell Grant (federal grant), Stafford Loan (low-cost loans awarded to the student), Parent Plus Loan (parent loan), and Merit Awards (awarded to the student).

Our bill is similar to a balance sheet. The left side of the bill has the university charges (Tuition, meal plan, room charge etc.) while the right side of the bill contains the university credits/ or anticipated credits. Toward the bottom of the bill is your balance due for the month, which is derived by deducting the credits from the charges.

That figure is the amount you owe that month. But that amount is not always accurate. The various grants and loans come to the school at different times. So each time I receive a bill from the college, I call the university to verify what the actual payment should be.

Recently, I had a sizable credit one month, and a balance due the next for the same semester. What I've decided to do is leave any credits we have in Sam's account, allowing it to float onto the next bill. That of course is a personal decision.

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December 2003 - His Fourth Month at College

One of the advantages of going to a small private college is the access a student has to professors. This is not to say that your child won't develop good relationships in larger schools, but the opportunities for one-on-one dialogues will certainly not be as prevalent. And it's one of the major factors that should be considered when deciding between a large university and one that's appreciably smaller.

Sam's favorite class during his first semester in school was called The Jazz Age.

One of his assignment's involved writing a research paper on someone that had a major influence in America during the Jazz Age - the 1920's. He decided on Paul Whiteman, one of the major forces in jazz during that time, but who today is looked upon with a great deal of cynicism by jazz purists.

A series of small meetings between Sam and his professor narrowed down the topic and allowed him to place his focus where it needed to be.

But information on Paul Whiteman was not easily available in the school's library, so I searched the Internet and was able to locate two books. One I found in a rare bookstore in North Carolina, and had them both shipped to him at college.

He dove head first into the project and received an A for his efforts, as well as an A for the semester. As it turns out, the professor is also Sam's guidance counselor and because they both share an interest in jazz, he told Sam he would cut him a few jazz CD(s).

It's also common practice at the school Sam attends for students to be invited to the homes of the professors for study or review periods. That's not something that often happens in the larger universities.

One of the major questions that haunts first year students is their desire to answer that age old question," What do I want to do with my life?" A daunting thought for an eighteen- year old. Now regarding Sam, he has quite a dilemma. He's torn in two directions. Caught as they say between a rock and a hard place. He thinks he might like to be a veterinarian, but also loves to write.

So when your interests are so diverse, it's difficult to decide upon your course selection. Each major requires particular core courses, and the choice between pre-medicine and writing are vastly different.

What to do.

My wife and I gave the best advice we could. For your first year, simply choose classes you think you'll enjoy, along with the required core classes that you must take.

It's a good way to ease into the college experience.

Among many things a first year student should try to keep away from is applying too much internal pressure. A formula of taking classes you enjoy should equal top grades.

Heading deep into December.....

And as the first semester winds down, that age-old enemy of all students begins to surface.

Finals.

Oh, the humanity!

By the time a student becomes a freshman in college, the way in which they study is pretty well 'cast in stone'.

Sam's studying techniques have been perfected over many years. He carefully developed this tried and true technique and has had great success in making him the top student that he is.

He calls it 'studying at the last minute'.

Someone told me that he knew a person who was doing a research paper on study techniques and when they happened upon a discourse in 'studying at the last minute'; my son's name appeared. I've even heard talk about a new entry in the curriculum at my son's school regarding successful strategies in last minute studying with Sam as a guest speaker.

Sam had four finals in a one-week period during the third week in December. He did well, and was greatly relieved after they had ended.

Several weeks before his winter break, he made arrangements to carpool with someone to get home. But that was contingent on the other student's finals schedule. At the last minute, that schedule changed and Sam was without a ride.

On December 20th, I gassed up my car and drove four hours to his university to bring him home for his three-week winter recess. When I entered the dorm a very odd thing happened. To this day I can't explain it, but I became invisible. There can't be any other explanation because several times, while I was helping Sam carry his things out of the dorm to my van, students who Sam was friendly with stopped to say good-bye.

They wished him well, told him to have a save trip, but never acknowledged that I was standing there. Nor did Sam introduce me. I quickly ran back into my Sam's dorm room and peered into the mirror, and to my surprise, I was able to see my reflection. As soon as I left the room, I must have disappeared because no one seemed to notice me.

Minutes after leaving the campus, we stopped in one of the two local pizza parlors to have lunch before the long trip back. The interesting thing was, when I walked in I must have reappeared, because the man behind the counter asked me what I would like.

I understand this phenomenon is common among the parents of first year college students.

So the first semester had ended. My van was filled with my son's ninety pounds of laundry. He had taken home all the important items from his dorm, his CD(s), his Sony Play Station II, and his Apple IPOD. And as we drove through the picturesque snow covered towns that line the surrounding countryside where his college sits, I could not help but think how well he had enjoyed his first ever college experience.

"So," I said, proud of Sam's first semester accomplishments. "Is it what you though it would be?" Did you pick the right school?" Are you happy with next semester's class selections?"

With a quick turn of the head, I snuck a glance and saw my son, his eyes closed, the headphones from his IPOD attached to his ears, and Eric Clapton reverberating through his senses. And I knew. He had become a college man.

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Late December 2003 - January 2004 - Winter Recess

Ah, Winter recess.

The prodigal son has returned.

Just eighteen, his first tenure in the halls of education must have instilled within him the wisdom of Socrates, the poetic elegance of Whitman, and the wit of Twain. University life has a way of allowing the child to mature. They venture out into the world and return older, wiser and more mature they when they left. They are unrecognizable to their parents.

Our returning scholar had probably prepared himself for a full assortment of activities; a weekend of skiing to clear his mind of his recent midterms; visits to his relatives to boast of his academic achievements. Maybe even some volunteer work in our town. Surely, his months away from home have allowed him to grow and understand the meaning of giving of one's time.

So it was to my surprise when Sam wandered into our kitchen on Sunday afternoon, after sleeping twelve hours, prepared a bowl of Cheerioes, poured in the milk and flopped down on the family room couch. And there he stayed.

He lay there when it snowed, and he lay there when it rained. And even when the sun was out, he poked his head around the family room curtains, and then flopped down again on the couch, annoyed that the sun had entered the room.

Periodically, he placed the headphones from his IPOD in his ear, and spent days pressing the remote control for our satellite T.V. In the days that followed, he went through all 800 of our satellite stations. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week for three and half weeks, he watched HBO, ESPN, STARZ, Pay Per View Movies, Boxing, Baseball Classics, Bowling, the World Championships of Poker replays, and his favorite show, the Actor's Studio.

He took a break on Friday nights when he went to his favorite Tai restaurant with his old high school friends. He even ventured out to the movies several times, but always returning to the safety and familiarity of our family room. A startling event actually occurred one night when he went off to the movies with his mom.

You know how there's this point in time when your child reaches a certain age and they can't be seen with you because what would their friends think. For Sam, that began at the age of 11 and apparently ended with that trip to the movies.

So if you're a parent, and really need a reason to continue the difficult task of financing your child's education, take a lesson from this parent, at least your child will now allow you to be seen in public with them.

There is one important task you may want your child to become involved with while they're at home.